Director Zack Snyder's screen adaptation of graphic novelist Frank Miller's 300 breathes vivid, gory, campy life into the 480 B.C. Battle of Thermopylae, in which 300 Spartans, under the command of King Leonidas, fended off Xerxes' vast Persian army for three days. Upon exiting the theater, however, the clash continued between the eternally warring sides of my brain, known as Movie Dork and Film Snoot...

Movie Dork: Yay! That totally ruled.

Film Snoot: Here we go again. The film I saw was dumber than a bag of hammers.

I knew you wouldn't like it.

Stock characters, excessive brutality, an oversimplified view of history, and complete reliance on computer-generated imagery: what's not to like?

Yeah, the dopey script didn't allow for much emotional investment, but it's gobsmacking eye candy. The plot is always just an excuse in movies like this. And you know how I adore gracefully gruesome cinematic violence.

We're a relatively evolved woman, which makes your bloodlust all the more bizarre.

And lust-lust, don't forget. What about the silly softcore comic-book panels and the hypnotic, nipplicious Oracle? 300 is defiant in its R rating, which is somewhat refreshing in these eggshell times. It was mighty homoerotic, though, with all those honed abs, all that spear-and-sword penetration, and Xerxes kept trying to bring Leonidas to his knees! 300 will be a gay cult classic, but apparently most toga films are.

Did you pick up on the obvious political allegory? A massive empire bullying a small country?

I never recognize symbolism unless a train is entering a tunnel. Often things mean exactly what they say --- no more, no less. Besides, the filmmakers' potential views on current events are irrelevant to me.

300 wasn't even historically accurate! No one mentions that the 300 Spartans were part of a larger fighting force, and I'm pretty sure Greek men didn't scuffle in hot pants.

So what? 300 isn't a documentary. Go read Herodotus if you're so married to the truth.

You don't care that 300 was shot entirely on a soundstage and the fully digitized backdrops were added later?

Try and deny its sophistication and ingenuity. Many scenes --- like that one with the Persian ships dashing against the rocks --- are downright astonishing. Crafting something like this is an artistic achievement, regardless of the medium used. Movies are make-believe anyway, and to quibble that it's extra-pretend is lame.

And we hate Gerard Butler! Who knew that Greeks had such thick Scottish brogues?

True, but he seemed to be having a glorious time bellowing and clobbering. Did you recognize Rodrigo Santoro, who played Xerxes, as the quiet co-worker in Love Actually? And smirky Dominic West from The Wire made for a good bad guy.

But the acting in this film was hammier than Easter brunch! You knew what would happen even without the annoying narration.

I can't wait to gush about how fun 300 was.

Oh, no, you don't. Let me handle this review or I will tell everyone how you paid to see Gladiator twice in one afternoon.

You wouldn't dare.

On November 18, 1978, 909 members of Peoples Temple died by their own hands at Jonestown, but the term "suicide" may not be entirely accurate. Through interviews with former parishioners, copious video, and terrifying audio, the absorbing and heartrending Jonestown: The Life and Death of Peoples Temple attempts to explore how nearly 1,000 seemingly rational people were able to be manipulated to death by Jim Jones, a sociopath with a catastrophic God complex.

The original vision for Peoples Temple was radical for its era, a harmoniously colorblind and self-sufficient utopia comprised of all ages and races. Jones' descent into madness was in direct correlation to the paranoia brought on by his rise to financial and political power, but before anyone could put him in check, Jones had constructed an eden in the middle of the South American wild to which he and his followers would flee.

Jonestown is obviously unable to offer much explanation behind the ultimately tragic actions of Jones' late disciples, so that burden falls to those left behind, one-time Peoples Temple members who either remained in America or escaped into the Guyanese jungle. If nothing else, hearing a still-grieving father recall watching his baby boy drink cyanide will certainly put a stop to your Kool-Aid jokes.

300 (R), directed by Zack Snyder, is now playing everywhere | Jonestown: The Life and Death of Peoples Temple (NR), directed by Stanley Nelson, shows at the George Eastman House's Dryden Theatre on Friday, March 16, at 8 p.m., and Sunday, March 18, at 5 p.m.