Well I know one person who woke up happy this morning. Saleisha Stowers, who took the crown in Cycle 9 despite being thoroughly mediocre, is no longer the worst winner in "Top Model" history. That "honor" now belongs to Teyona Anderson, who won last night despite being beaten by her runner-up, Allison, in every conceivable way. Better final runway? Allison. Better Cover Girl commercial? Allison. Most improved? Allison. Most first call-outs at panel? Allison (although Tyra praised Teyona's three weeks with best photo - just a memo, sweetie, Allison had four). Best overall portfolio? That's the one place where Teyona had a shot, but I'd still give it to Allison. At least Saleisha could work a runway like a pro. Teyona, on the other hand, took strong photos, but that was it. Let's break it down.

-Teyona is stiff on the runway. I was confused last night when the judges said they were expecting so much from Teyona at the final runway show. We've seen the girls walk several times this season and I don't even remember Teyona. I remember Aminat, who is a catwalk goddess. I remember Celia, who excelled. I remember Natalie, who was overpraised, and Fo, who worked that shit and got zero credit. And I remember Allison sucking hardcore at first, but then practicing, and doing amazingly well at the final show. Teyona, on the other hand, looked like a robot, with her pneumatic arms slashing wildly through the air.

-Teyona bombed both CG commercials. In the earlier group clip she looked crazed. In last night's solo shoot she had a Chernobyl-style meltdown. She totally flubbed the words, and then when nerves got the better of her, she broke down and started flapping her arms and crying. She even tried singing some horrible song to remember the lines, and failed at that. She kept craning her neck like a turtle and shouting and...man, it was bad. A major part of the winner's contract is doing the My Life as a Cover Girl spots every week. And we have to deal with this for all of Cycle 13? *Cringe!*

-Teyona can't smile. Teyona is a beautiful girl, and she does take good photos. But recognize: she looks like a velociraptor when she smiles. It's all sharp teeth and gums. Look at her portfolio! Every shot is her giving model-pissed (and a vast majority of her shots were three-quarter or more profile; she was never called out for this once, while girls in previous seasons - notably Nik in C5 and Heather in C9 - were berated by panel for their inability to do face-on shots). She couldn't even smile in her CG shot! She looked like she would cut a bitch. Unless they've changed the tagline to "Easy. Breezy. Homicidal." I don't think this girl is what Cover Girl is looking for.

-Teyona can't talk. It is shocking to me that neither Teyona or Aminat were ever given criticism (at least that we saw) for their terrible speaking voices. These girls are supposed to be spokesmodels and they can't speak. Aminat's nasal whine sounded like a prolonged record scratch while Teyona just sounded like a hick. I'm sorry, but it's true. I'm amazed she didn't end every line with "A-hyuck!" Her speaking skills are woefully bad, and when you think back to the grief Tyra and Co. gave Danielle in Cycle 6 for her grating accent, the fact that not a peep was made about Teyona's hillbilly patois just proves that this was a fix.

-Teyona has no personality. Seriously. Who is this girl? Last year's winner, McKey, was barely heard, but at least we knew she was the weird tomboy who oozed high-fashion. What was Teyona's "character"? The only non-modeling instances I even remember her from were her secondary role in the Aminat vs. Natalie fight, when she got up in Celia and Allison's faces, her referring to Celia and Allison as "Dumb and Dumber" (um, no dear), and then her Gollum-like hoarding of her go-see clothing spoils. She's hardly relatable, or even likable. She seems boring, and something of a pill.

And for all of those reasons, Teyona is the worst winner ever. And I think we can officially call Cycle 12 the worst cycle since C9. What started out as a promising bunch of girls (I maintain that they were largely legitimately pretty) quickly fizzled into episode after episode featuring dull girls with unfulfilled modeling potential. The first three eliminated girls (Isabella, Jessica, Nijah) were completely forgettable (how I long for the days of memorable early boots like C8's Kathleen or last season's beloved Nikeisha). We were hoodwinked by gorgeous Sandra, possibly the most naturally modelesque contestant the show has ever had, who was completely useless in front of the camera and a deranged bitch behind the scenes. (I still wonder if she's...all there mentally.) We had the gigantic black hole of suck that was Tahlia. Boring, overpraised Natalie; spunky, underpraised Fo; and poor, awesome Celia, who was eliminated because the judges suddenly realized that she was *gasp!* 25, and therefore an old crone by modeling standards. And the worst F3 ever, in my mind.

Here's hoping that Allison works on her confidence and goes on to have a great career (she looked amazing last night; look at the transformation she went through this season). Glamazon Aminat could do well as a runway model. And generally useless Teyona will fade into obscurity like the majority of "Top Model" winners.

Bring on the short cycle, I guess.