I didn't think it was possible for a show to jump the shark by Week 2, but "On the Lot" might have done just that. Fox and series exec producer Steven Spielberg need to get a meeting STAT, because this show has all the signs of a colossal failure. And given how much money Americans spend on movies every weekend, and how box office figures are standard Monday morning watercooler talk, there's just no reason a reality show about the movie biz should be tanking.

This third episode was a complete disaster. It started with a massive narrative jump that is never addressed, switched to a new, unbelievably dull format, switched hosts, spent too much time on the panel of infuriating judges, and also featured some of the worst short films I've ever seen. There was nothing good to be found here. It really was just that bad.

The show opened with a new host whose name I cannot remember; she has black hair, enormous hoop earrings, and dressed like a hostess at a moderately priced Italian restaurant in East Rochester. What the hell happened to Chelsea Handler? I wasn't a huge fan of her, but she was unquestionably better than this dingbat, who spent the entire episode groping the would-be directors, flailing her hands about, subconsciously (I hope) drawing attention to her breasts, and making inappropriate comments. She is
singularly awful. Anyway, New Girl informed us that we're down to the Final 18, and they're here to show their next assignment, a 1-minute comedy short that they had a week to create.

WAIT! Back up. When we left the show on Thursday we had (I think) 24 contestants and they were being sent to the Paramount lots to shoot one scene in one hour. That was the challenge. They teased us by showing Claudia wasting literally 23 minutes of her hour going over the script, and somebody else completely biffing a courtroom scene. This was going to be the first time the viewers saw the directors go it alone. And, if I'm correct, they never showed us those flicks. They never showed us the judges' deliberations that took us from 24 to 18. They never told us who went home. They just zipped us right to the Top 18 and here we are.

WHAT? Have these people ever seen a reality show? Do they know how to edit.anything? There was a narrative jump so severe here that I think one of the hack contestants must have put this episode together, because it is mind-boggling. We skipped right past semi-finals --- in which we were behind the scenes with the directors, learning who they were and getting to understand the movie-making process --- and are now in the finals, with these goobers just screening their stupid awful films in front of a live audience, and us at home. Unsatisfying. And just plain stupid. I'm agog.

The contestants were brought up one by one to screen their shorts, and if this is what they can churn out in a week I have serious doubts about where this show is going. Three-quarters of these submissions were deeply flawed, if not downright terrible. Some
translated humor in the crudest ways possible (I lost count over how many used farts, pee jokes, puke, or other bodily functions to elicit laughs). Some managed to lack enough narrative cohesion to even sustain a minute-long short (the airport security one --- was that guy real or imagined? Was it all a dream? In the office short, how did a story about a guy "not getting it" turn into a story about coming up short on the job, and involve a man running over a stapler with an SUV?). And some were just pathetic, vision-deficient tripe. I'm talking the repugnant Marty Martin's aggressively derivative "The Big Heist," which a) ignored the assignment completely by being an action trailer instead of a comedy short and b) stole shots directly from at least three movies that I could see,
"Ocean's 11," "The Transporter," and "Reservoir Dogs." Mateen Kernet's "Soft" totally bucked those racial stereotypes that he's so concerned about by featuring a gang of no-good layabout punks who decide that mugging an old lady is "cool." (The short was also
apparently mixed in a bathroom; what's with the terrible sound quality?)

But honestly, I'd take at least competently done hack work over some of the disasters screened last night. Kenny Luby of Owego seriously grated last week with his huge "I Don't Need Film School" chip on his shoulder and barely contained misogyny. This week he turns out the most amateurish clip I've ever seen. It made commercials on public access television look polished. Words cannot even describe what the hell "Wack Alley Cab" was supposed to be, but I'm pretty sure he directed his protagonist to channel Bobcat Goldthwait. BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT, PEOPLE! His sparring partner from last week, Jessica Brillhart, joins him in the loser corner with her unfathomable "How to Screw in a Light Bulb." I have no concept whatsoever about what was happening there, only that whatever metaphor she specifically mentioned was utterly lost, and that it seemed to be shot on a cellphone camera. I guess Kenny's right: If that's what NYU's cranking out you sure as hell don't need film school.

Then there was poor Jason Epperson from Kentucky, whose "Getta Rhoom" transcended bad and went straight to offensive. It's worth watching if only to see just how wrong things went last night. This man somehow failed to notice that his lead actor, who was supposed to be playing a huge nerd, undeniably played the character as mentally retarded. And then terrible things happen to said person, and the long and short of it is we're supposed to laugh at the mentally handicapped. It is unbelievable to me that anyone with even the slightest sense of how to tell a story could watch that footage and not immediately see the cringe-worthy results. I think Jason's a nice guy but he deserves to go home for that.

Actually, all but about six of the 18 deserve to go home. Out of them all, I was impressed only by Will Bigham's cute (if unoriginal) "Lucky Penny," Phil Hawkins' mostly well executed "Please Hold," Shalini Kantayya's "Love in the Year 2007" (if only she could
have self-edited and focused on the speed dating only), Claudia La Bianca's "Blind Date" (a good idea with some odd choices --- what the hell was going on with the cup full of rocks?), and Zach Lipovsky's "Danger Zone," because he continues to raise
the bar each week. Last week it was his special effects work, this week it was shooting his entire short in one take.

Not that most of these numbskulls have any hope of getting better, not with the feedback these "judges" are offering. Carrie Fisher and I were getting along just fine last week but she lost major points with me last night. She and Garry Marshall took turns verbally
fellating most of the first half-dozen contestants despite their thoroughly mediocre work (I know the producers want me to want Andrew Hunt to win this, but I thought his stupid alien DUI bust was crazy cheesy), and when really terrible work came down the pike, like what we saw from Kenny and Jessica, the reaction was something like "You're a very talented filmmaker and I know you can do better."

COME. ON. FISHER! You cannot watch those films and think that half of those shlubs have even a shot at becoming legitimate filmmakers. They had a week. To shoot a one-minute short. That is not a tall order! If this is what they put out in that amount of time, I
shudder to think what will come later. These judges are doing nobody any favors by being overly kind. Not the filmmakers, who need a reality check --- some of them should have been savaged. Not the audience, who is at home yelling at the TV about what crap they're being forced to watch. And not the judges themselves, who should feel dirty after lying at least a dozen times over the course of last night. This show needs a Simon Cowell, and it needs it right away.

Although I'm not really sure it'll stay on long enough for that to happen. Fox sunk a lot of money into this project and it's carrying about half of its summer TV schedule. It clearly wants it to be a hit. But ratings have been soft so far and I bet they'll be downright awful tomorrow. Still, Spielberg has clout. And if he gives even the slightest shit about this he'd better start cleaning house because this is not going to work the way it is now. It's not too late to overhaul this turkey from top to bottom. Because if that doesn't happen by a week from tonight, I am so done with this thing.