YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

OK, now that I've gotten that out of my system...

Charles Dickens would be proud of last night's "Idol" finale; it was truly the best of times, and the worst of times. We got a worthy winner after the disaster that was last year's coronation. We got some great performances by almost all the former Idols (where the hell was Fantasia?). I'm pretty sure I saw Melissa Rivers in the audience. So that's all good. But we also got Gwen Stefani LIP-SYNCHING via remote from her "live" concert somewhere. Aerosmith's Joe Perry losing whatever was left of his credibility by backing up an even-worse-than-ever Sanjaya (seriously, it's not even funny anymore). Green Day obliterating its cred by performing "Working Man's Hero" by John Lennon on the American Idol stage, further proving that just because Lennon wrote a song doesn't make it good. And, of course, more making fun of the emotionally, socially, and mentally retarded via the Golden Idol ceremonies, which honor the losers from the first chunk of the season. (And they were totally rigged, too; there's no way "If Ever I'm In Your Arms Again" guy should have won Best Vocal over recording-booth Sandie; she wuz robbed.)

It would be impossible to go over everything that happened in the two-plus hours the show ran. But there are couple things worth discussing:

-It's funny how almost every one of the established "stars" came off looking terrible while the supposedly green Idols came off looking awesome. Bette Midler --- and really, of the thousands of recording artists out there, BETTE MIDLER? --- sounded absolutely awful last night on "Wind Beneath My Wings." BeBe and CeCe Winans did a number with their former back-up singer, Melinda, and I cannot fathom how they got away with keeping her in the background for years since she is approximately 1 million times better than either of them, and especially the guy; he wouldn't make it past Round 1 of Idol. Without the Winans name I guarantee you he'd be selling used cars somewhere. At least Gladys Knight looked/sounded good.

-I started getting worried early in the evening when the episode seemingly focused on Blake. It seemed to me that he got a LOT more attention in the first half of the show, especially with his...performance with Doug E Fresh. And, seriously guys, I felt like I'd been transported into a 1993 episode of "Yo! MTV Raps." EMBARRASSING. How is this "fresh"? How is this "original"? How is Blake "authentic"? He looked like a scared pup on that stage, and while I guess he held his own toward the end, Doug commanded that performance from the get-go. I don't hate Blake but I'm totally ready for him to fade into obscurity already.

 -Meanwhile, Jordin's big number was a duet with Freaking Ruben. Huh? Did someone cancel? I bet someone cancelled. That said, they sounded great together. If Ruben would release a CD like this I'd consider buying it.

-Nobody likes Taylor Hicks! Ha ha!

-Kelly and Carrie were both awesome, and totally showed up just about every other artist involved with the evening.

-When Blake and Jordin won the cars from Ford, Blake did his very best Borat impression and responded, "Very nice!" Oh, that Blake. So hip! So current! Good sweet Christ...

- Jordin totally faked up the crying when she won. She knew this thing was in the bag. But you know what? Good on her. Manipulate that audience, sweetheart. If the people want to be sheep, then let them be sheep. Just make sure to lead them to your particular pasture.

-And speaking of Our Darling Idol, there was a LOT of backlash directed toward her on the Internets yesterday, way more than was deserved. People accused her of "stinking up the stage" Tuesday night (the Yahoo TV critics), accused the producers of deliberately choosing a final song that favored Jordin over Blake (Kristin from E! Online), and alleged that Jordin is generally a fake bitch (Television WIthout Pity posters). To them I would say: Suck It. I understand that music appreciation is a very personal thing, and what sets one honky's booty shaking is going to sound awful to countless grooveless crackers. However, you can't argue that Jordin sang poorly Tuesday when she absolutely did not. It wasn't her best night by a long shot, but "stunk up the stage"? Come on, now. Put away your fangirl Blake baises and at least give the girl some bloody credit. As for Kristin, whom I typically have the utmost respect for, she apparently didn't bother checking the facts, because the producers didn't pick the coronation song this year; it was an online viewer contest. I'm sure Uncle Nigel et al only put Idol-style upbeat anthems in the finals deliberately, because that's what Idol IS. But that was weeks and weeks prior to Jordin's ascendency to the pimp slot, so they had nothing to do with it. NONE of those songs would have worked for Blake because Blake is not a singer. He is a performer, and not a very original one at that. And finally, I don't care if Jordin is a screaming, entitled brat back stage. When she's on camera she's amazing and sweet and likable. Carrie Underwood is allegedly an actual robot. Chris Daughtry was apparently a total diva. Fantasia was literally illiterate. Who cares? When they're on stage they are amazing, and that's what I want from an Idol.

I think that's it for now. I hope to put together some sort of season-long retrospective blog post late this week/early next, since I've literally spent more than an entire workweek watching this show at this point. (Terrifying, no?) In the mean time, please watch "So You Think You Can Dance," which at times out-Idols "Idol" with its fresh talent. And I'm pretty sure I saw Sex (that's his name, just Sex) in the previews, and that can only be a good thing.