I didn't know something could be both manipulative and boring at the same time. And then I watched "Idol Gives Back." A stunning achievement, truly.

As mentioned in yesterday's blog, I'm really conflicted about this whole "Idol" charity thing. Last night pushed me distinctly into the "this is kind of offensive" camp. Let me explain: I am all for charity. I am all for helping to end hunger and poverty and injustice in our world, and especially in our own country. I am all for the obscenely rich people in the business and entertainment communities opening their pockets and doing what they can to help out.

The problem is, I'm not convinced that that's really what happened last night. Much has been made about how, on Tuesday, for every vote cast for the contestants, the show's sponsors donated money to "Idol"'s relief fund. Swell. But...is this charity? It frankly seems like really brilliant advertising to me. To wit, I can tell you off the top of my head that Coca-Cola, Ford, AT&T, ConAgra, and Exxon were all sponsors. How do I know this? Because the producers kept shoving those names in my face. How is that not advertising, and the most cynical kind of advertising there is --- attaching their names to a charity for greater exposure? This was especially egregious with Exxon, when the CEOs or whatever were brought up to stand next to Ryan and get their egos fluffed. Do you know how much ExxonMobil made last year in profit? Try $39.5 billion. That's one of the top three profits in the country. Now here's another math question: How much are you paying at the pump every time you fill up? And these guys are making $39.5 BILLION in profits? And I should applaud them for giving, at most, a couple million last night? While I'm being repeatedly admonished to open my wallet? You've got to be kidding me.

And that's just one example. Meanwhile, I remain confused as to how the show itself actually gave back. The sponsors ponied up (for free advertising) and its viewers put out, but did the producers of the most successful show on television actually give any money themselves? Sure, they staged this de facto telethon. But I'm sure the ratings will be huge; again, not exactly what I would consider the selfless act they kept poking and prodding all of us to engage in last night.

All ethical issues aside, the evening wasn't very entertaining. At times it was downright embarrassing. Ryan completely blew the intro, and then forced the camera crew to re-do the lead in on a LIVE TV SHOW. Jesus, Seacrest. He then kicked it to the very current and relevant Earth, Wind & Fire, who performed a medley of their greatest hits, "Shining Star," "September," and "Boogie Wonderland." And listen, I love E,W&F. I have two of those three songs on my iPod. But what the hell were they doing there? And what in god's name was going on with that guitarist!? Yikes.

Then some stuff happened. I don't know. It kind of all melted into some horrible, dull blur of bad performances, less bad performances, and montage after montage of people starving, dying, or living in poverty in America. Some of these packages were touching; I found Simon's particularly moving, and Randy should do more voice-over work. But after a while I felt punished. I imagine it was like one of those time-share pitch sessions that people got suckered into in the '90s, where you go on a "free trip" and then are forced to listen to these people harass you until you relent and just buy into a vacation home you don't need and can't afford. Obviously, we do need to cure malaria and feed the homeless and save these babies, but you get what I'm saying --- by the end I was numb because of the unrelenting nature of the pitch.

The single greatest argument for giving money --- and the only time I actually thought about picking up the phone and pledging --- was the video of Carrie Underwood in an African village set to her cover of The Pretenders' "I'll Stand By You." Now THAT was moving. When she cried while praying with those kids? I am not made of stone, people! But then they followed it up, I don't know, smarmy Josh Groban, and that was it. My philanthropic urges quickly subsided.

On the performance front, there were some BAD numbers last night, y'all. Il Divo --- Simon's pet project, I might add, so again, look who's profiting --- just butchered "Somewhere." I cannot imagine who buys Il Divo discs, but you'd at least think they'd hold out for cuter boys who can't sing. Did we learn nothing from the boy band heyday of the go-go '90s? Rascal Flatts was excruciatingly bad with "My Wish"; the band was too loud, although I shouldn't complain since it helped drown out the singer's piggish squeal. Annie Lennox was one of the best of the night on "Bridge Over Troubled Water," but it lacked the power I typically enjoy in Lennox's voice.

The big "moment," a duet between Elvis and Celine Dion, was really kind of lame. Ryan pitched the bit to us saying that they were taking Dion back in time to the year she was born, 1968. And I immediately responded, "...Can we leave her there?" Alas, it was just a hokey film editing thing with an old performance of Elvis singing a song I've never heard, with Dion taking a couple verses. She sounded good, but looked totally bored by the whole thing; I half expected her to just start looking at her watch. The choice to do a fuzzy screen on her to make it match the Elvis footage made my friend think they shot the whole thing out of focus. It was just stupid.

But not the stupidest thing about the night! That would be the "Staying Alive" karaoke megamix featuring, well, everybody. A partial list includes Helen Mirren, Lisa Kudros, Goldie Hawn, Keira Knightley, David Schwimmer, Teri Hatcher, Rob Schneider...it goes on like this. And they all lip-synched to the Bee Gees' "Staying Alive." Which fits in because...we want kids in Africa to stay alive? I guess? I was mortified for everyone involved. Like, seriously. It was so embarrassing. The only people to escape with their dignity were Miss Piggy and Sarah Michelle Gellar, who managed to look sexy as hell while everyone else looked a fool.

Interesting to note: We've been told all along that Pink, Sasha Baron Cohen, either J Lo or Gwen Stefani (I forget which) and others were supposed to be involved in this. Nowhere to be seen.

Kelly Clarkson did, however, make an appearance, but over at the Florida branch presided over by Ellen. (I bet she can't bear to think of being on that stage again.) K.Clar sang some song I don't know, but man did she sing it well. In fact, the Idols past and present came off looking 10 times better than any of the so-called pros who took the stage that night. So take that, snotty critics.

Speaking of our actual Idols --- ostensibly the point of this entire three-ring circus --- nobody went home. That's right. Ryan said that they couldn't eliminate someone on such a charitable night. So I watched this for nothing. The worst, though, was the emotional torture they put those poor kids through. They didn't even begin the results until after the first hour, and then did it one by one through the second. The last two were Chris and Jordin, and Ryan made Jordin think she was going home. That was just MEAN! She was visibly upset at the end. However, it kind of cements my opinion that the show is now actively pimping Jordin. The folks at home were probably losing it last night at the thought of Jordin getting booted, and will vote for her in full force here on out. This was her "scare." And she needed it at this point.

So next week we get rid of two. Well, that's "charitable." And the votes from this week will be added to next week's votes, which is ridiculous. If someone has a lousy week or a really good week it won't matter. Just please let it be Phil and Chris. Please. Give back to me for wasting two hours of my life, people.