The theme: Latin night. The guest mentor: Jennifer Lopez. The results: Surprisingly awesome. And in the exact opposite ways you would expect! Yes, we were through the looking glass last night. Up was down, down was up, and Sanjaya was good. Like actually good, not ironic good. And Haley was too! I know! To complete the dangerous circle, Melinda was so-so, Lakisha was bloody awful, and the judges were almost totally wrong.
First, I have to say: I kind of loved Jennifer Lopez. I'd always looked at her with a bit of scorn. A smart businesswoman to be sure, and someone who has played the media beautifully, turning one or two good movies and songs into a pretty impressive career. Her profile has been on the decline lately, which probably prompted the "Idol" guest spot. But she claimed to be a fan of the show, and I totally bought it. She was engaged, interested, and seemed to really give a shit about these kids and their performances. She offered genuinely useful advice. She was likable! Contrast that to Gwen Stefani a few weeks ago, who looked pained for her entire tenure. So, against all odds...go J-Lo!
Melinda went first, which should have been a sign that things were screwy. She chose "Sway," a song I fell in love with immediately. But it was also her downfall --- the song requires the singer to exude a sexiness I just don't think Melinda is capable of portraying. She seemed uncomfortable, especially in the beginning. Vocally it was awesome, as always. But it fell short of her usual greatness. And I think that's good. Show the people you're human. Get them a little scared. The worst thing that can happen to a front-runner is for the crowd to take him or her for granted (Chris Daughtry, anyone?). She should be fine, and probably bounce back next week better than ever.
Lakisha, however, continued her downward spiral with "Conga." It was a mess. Randy gave her props for being into the song and getting out of her comfort zone by...moving, I guess. But the tight shots revealed a deeply bored young woman who clearly was just going through the motions of a gimmicky song. Her dancing was awkward. The delivery was devoid of any passion. I checked out a third of the way into the song and only came back for the end. She got way too much praise from the judges, although Paula (!) rightly pointed out that she kind of phoned it in.
Speaking of over-praised, Chris trotted out Santana & Rob Thomas' "Smooth," a song I had only just removed from my permanent ban file after years of having it shoved down my throat by upstate New York radio. The beginning of the song was a goddamned train wreck; the one verse he sung (one verse, two choruses) was WAY too low for him, and he kept flipping up an octave, which threw off the phrasing. Then he got to the choruses and it got better. He stuffed it full of that STUPID melisma again, but he knew he was in his comfort zone so he finally decided to try. It was still a mess. The judges ate it up, including Simon, who continues to confuse Chris' runs with a "modern" sound. Has Simon listened to the radio recently? Those vocal gymnastics (TM Gwen Stefani) were in vogue in the early days of Mariah, Xtina, etc. Today? Not so much. Even Chris' hero JT has laid off of them for a more minimal approach. I'm very close to being totally over this kid.
And then there was Haley. Didn't love the hair, and those were some hot hot pants. But she kind of kicked ass on "Turn the Beat Around." She had fun, worked the audience, did a good job performing what was arguably the most difficult song of the night. And she got crucified by the judges. I am not a Haley fan --- point of fact, I think she's kind of a bitch. But I'm dumbfounded by how Simon could watch that performance vs. Lakisha and not side with Haley. Instead he once again pointed out her T&A tactic --- like, duh, Simon, we all got on that page four weeks ago --- and once again told her she can't hope to compete vocally with the other girls in this competition. True. BUT! She did outperform all of them with the possible exception of Jordin last night, and I think it's bullshit that she got raked across the coals for it.
Phil was easily the worst of the night. It's good that some things can be a constant in life. He picked another Santana song, "Maria Maria," originally sung (I think) by Wyclef. Phil is so lame, you guys. He put on this really cheesy affectation that made him sound either congested or constipated, and plodded through the first two-thirds, then screamed for the end. Just atrocious. The whole thing just laid there, barely moving. Before Ryan could throw it to break he had to go for the sympathy vote by bringing up his baby daughter. You mean, the one whose birth you missed so you could audition for this show? Shut up, Phil Stacey. I'm not that gullible. After he's booted tonight don't be surprised if the kid ends up for sale on eBay or something.
Jordin chose "Rhythm is Gonna Get You," and it was a perfect song choice. Fun, young, infectuous, just like her. But still stocked with enough power notes to show off her chops. Smart kid. Her performance bordered on manic, but she was having a really good time out there. She looked great too. I actually wondered aloud about whether I should shift my imaginary votes from Melinda to Jordin. As much as I love Doolittle, Jordin would fit the Idol mold a LOT better as a winner. I mean, what would a Melinda album even sound like? Anyway, Simon dinged her on not performing the song or whatever, but again: compare it to Chris, whom you love. She is a million times more charismatic. He has such a huge blind spot for that guy...
Blake was up there with Jordin, Haley, and Sanjaya (I KNOW!) for performance of the night with his rendition of Marc Anthony's "I Need to Know." Let me put it this way: Blake made me actually like a Marc Anthony song. I didn't think that was possible. Very smart song choice for him, as it showed off his range (I think his vocals have improved by leaps since the beginnings of semifinals) and his charming ladykiller shtick. Really good stuff. Only downside: He looked like The Professor getting ready for a three-hour tour in that get-up. I was unaware that senior home chic was the latest in hipster fashion.
Sanjaya got the pimp spot, which I initially figured was the show's attempt at milking the "What will he do tonight?" buzz surrounding the enigmatic Mr. Malakar. But no; he got the prime slot because he deserved it. He sang "Besame Mucho," and it was honest-to-god great. He was a little weak in the verse, but in the chorus he had lovely tone, nice control, and good dynamics. And he sold the song, from phrasing to the sex his eyes were having with the camera. Shocking. Just shocking. So of course, he'll probably go home tonight. I wonder: will VoteForTheWorst continue backing him after last night, with Phil clearly the biggest turkey of the evening?
Who should be in trouble tonight: Lakisha, Phil, Chris
Who will be in trouble tonight: Haley, Phil, Lakisha
Who will go home: PHIL! (Damn well better, although I wouldn't mind Lakisha. If Haley goes I'll be pissed, since she was genuinely good this week.)
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