Gina kind of disappointed me with "Alone." Heart is almost a goldmine on this show (this song totally turned around Carrie Underwood's run on the show two seasons ago), but Gina was all over the place in the beginning and really forced by the end. Simon also called her out for her strange costume choice, specifically her too-tight red prom dress. Gina needs to get it together.

Alaina butchered the Dixie Chicks' "Not Ready to Make Nice," and even worse, her physical performance was embarrassing. You guys, she mimed the words "round and round and round." She has no business being here and needs to go home tonight.

Lakisha sang one of my faves, "Midnight Train to Georgia," and was just super. She may have more legs than I initially expected, and in fact she shows off her gams with a short skirt Simon calls "distracting" (well, that and her salmon poncho). She didn't do the "woot woot!" hand pull, but I still love her. But I wonder: what happens when she inevitably runs out of strong black woman anthems?

Melinda's "My Funny Valentine" was unquestionably the best of the night. This girl is a star already, and if she got booted tomorrow could totally nab a record contract. (Also: great ass.) My issue with Melinda continues to be her very odd look, which I've decided comes from having an enormous melon head and no neck. But she is a delight!

Antonella did not address the nudie pics of her floating around the Net. No point, really, as she won't make Top 12. She did better than last week with "Because You Loved Me," but by the middle of the song she was all flat and shaky. Nerves? Who knows. When she was dressed down by the panel she got immediately dismissive and shitty. Antonella, that's not going to help your PR disaster. Send her back to Jersey already.

Jordin disappointed me this week too, singing that song from "Mulan" about reflections or whatever. I generally have little tolerance for songs from Disney musicals, and after seeing Ayla Brown rock this one last year Jordin just fell flat, literally and figuratively. She's so much better than this song.

Leslie, a.k.a. The Flaming Spazz, sang the exact same song that A.J. sang last night. Apparently it's Michael Buble or something, which explains why I don't know it. Leslie handled the intro better than A.J., but A.J. killed her on the ending. Sadly, I suspect the bad song may be the end of both of them. I'm really going to miss that spazz --- she reminds me of that woman from "Mad TV."

Stephanie picked Beyonce's "Dangerously in Love," and she has some strange breathing/phrasing issues. No idea what was going on there. But she sounded and looked terrific, and she's still my surprise contender of the season.

Haley hilariously selected "Queen of the Night" from "The Bodyguard." It'll make a nice farewell number for when she goes home tonight. Seriously, Haley --- who do you think you're fooling? You are in no way dangerous or edgy; it's like cotton candy pretending to be dark chocolate or something. And you're definitely not Whitney on the vocals. She got super pissy when Randy tells her as much, and whatever sympathy I had for her immediately evaporated. Look around you, Haley: You are totally outclassed. Deal with it. Go home to your blandly hunky fiancée.

Sabrina (who I keep forgetting exists, and is a dead ringer for an ethnic Jennifer Grey) closed out the night with a song that I think is called "All the Man That I Need," and which, taken out of context, is really dirty ("he fills me up"....giggle). She's not nearly as good as she was last week, and it's pretty forced in parts. But hopefully she'll be safe. I like Sabrina, but she's not particularly memorable.

Predictions:

Should go home: Alaina, Haley

Will go home: Alaina, Haley with Antonella or Spazz possibly taking one of those spots.

Brittanyis a) not pretty and b) lucky she pulled the pro-fur assignment for the first photo shoot. Anybody could have pulled that off. Basically you just have to sit there, draped in fur, looking mildly smug. She'll be gone by episode 6. Maybe 3.

Cassandra horrified me the first time I saw her. She is so skinny you guys --- I think my index finger is thicker than her arms. But she actually managed to work it in this episode, and is kind of pretty despite her busted, self-sown weave. I'm curious to see her post-makeovers.

Diana is one of our two plus-sized models this season. FYI: "plus sized" means size 8 or smaller on this show, so make of that what you will. Diana is not particularly pretty and is also deadly boring. She'll be the first of the "big" girls to go. Her Tomb Raider-inspired pro-gun photo this week was downright embarrassing.

Dionne...exists. Apparently. I have no opinion of her in any way. I think she was the girl who wouldn't shut up during auditions, and that was mildly amusing. But I don't think she said a word during the rest of the episode. Fairly plain girl. Nothing model-y about her at all. Gone by episode 4.

Felicia is "baby Tyra" because she allegedly resembles our intrepid host. She's got a "fivehead" (read: overly long forehead) like Ms. Banks and is pretty, but beyond that I don't get the comparison. She did reasonably well on the first photo shoot, but can't get by on pretty alone. Which is what she's done so far.

Jael is our "punk" girl, and she is not attractive. Girl looks mean. Oddly, she's a pussycat, totally afraid of the girls not liking her. When she won the runway challenge she kind of retreated, and got pulled into the Bottom 2 for it (also, her first photo stunk). I kind of hate Jael. I definitely hate her voice. Total tranny thing going on.

Speaking of trannies, Jaslene tried out last season and got cut. I loathed her then, all over-the-top Puerto Rican accent, disgustingly skinny body, and mannish looks. But I kind of love her now. She's much more demure --- a laid back attitude that I suspect will lead to her early dismissal --- and her photo was one of the best of the bunch. So against all odds, Go Jaslene!

Kathleen is amazing. She first came into the audition room literally shrieking and then wouldn't stop telling Tyra how pretty she is. She then proceeded to basically narrate the episode in her pinched, New Yawk accent. She was given "anti-fur" at the photo shoot and clearly had no idea what that means; later at panel her vacant expression on the photo led to maybe one of the best "Top Model" moments ever as Kathleen explained her stance on fur. See, she doesn't like it if you have to kill the animal to gets its fur. But if they die naturally, that's OK, since sometimes humans and animals die naturally, right? Tyra looked incredulous. Kathleen was, of course, booted first, and I will miss her terribly. She was a vision.

Thankfully we have Natasha who, I kid you not, is a Russian mail-order bride. She is 20. Her husband is 40ish. She speaks the most tortured English ever and has an inflated sense of self rivaled only by S6's Jade. Her big ol' lion mane of hair is troubling, but once it's pulled back she has a prettiness about her. But she's got that Russian taste level, which basically means: skank.

Renee is straight-up gorgeous, and also a straight-up pain in the ass. She's a very young mother from Maui and it's implied that being away from her kid and thrust into a competitive situation is making her insecure. She looks a bit like Joanie from C6, but she is a total stealth bitch. I kind of love Renee.

Samantha has a good face down to her chin, where it all goes terribly wrong. She has a butt chin --- you know, a cleft right in the middle. Looks great on men; looks freakish on women. It's true. Samantha also seems fairly stupid and boring. I suspect she'll be gone by Episode 6.

Sarah is another contender for the role of house bitch (Renee and Natasha are in the race as well), and has the added benefit of actually being modelesque. Her face is a bit puffy --- she has almost no definition in her facial features --- and she's a total name-dropping know-it-all. I'm curious to see where Sarah goes.

Whitney is our other plus-sized girl, and I will be stunned if she doesn't win the whole thing. Suddenly zaftig Tyra clearly wants a heavier girl to win (and remember, it's all about Tyra) and Whitney is both beautiful and full of spirit. Her first photo kind of sucked, although that was more a problem with staging than her actual abilities. Expect big things from Whitney. No pun intended.

There are two lessons to be learned from the two new episodes of NBC's Thursday night lineup that aired last night ("My Name is Earl" and "The Office" were repeats):

1) To the makers of "Scrubs:" Editing together a long montage of clips from previous episodes does not qualify as a "new" episode; rather, montage episodes are just "meta-repeats" which are far, far worse and cause much more frustration than mere repeats. For example, I'm not angry with the makers of "The Office" and "My Name is Earl" for their repeat episodes, but I am fuming that the "Scrubs" people tried to convince me they were playing a "new" episode that might actually be worth my time. I mean, seriously, isn't this what YouTube is for? So that some "Scrubs" fan can sit around and compile montages of the greatest moments? Geez.

2) To the makers of "30 Rock": Packing a show with a whole bunch of guest stars does NOT make a good show, it just creates clutter. Yes, I love LL Cool J, Wayne Brady, and even Ghostface Killah, but do we need all three of their star egos crammed into one episode? Spread the love, "30 Rock"! The result was a poorly edited, sparsely written, overwhelmingly muddled episode. Here's a rule for you, "30 Rock" people: tons of guest stars = less Alec Baldwin = bad episode. It's simple math.

I think NBC decided that because their two higher-rated shows in the lineup were repeats that maybe no one else would catch the failures that aired later. Listen up, NBC!  I'm watching, and I'm not happy.

HOL. E. CRAP.

If last night’s “Heroes” didn’t prove that it’s the best show on the air, I don’t know what will. I was frankly expecting a bit of a slump given how amazing last week’s Bennet episode was. But while that installment focused on character drama, this one was almost totally plot-based, as almost every single character appeared and nearly every storyline progressed dramatically. The only bad part? The next episode doesn’t air until late April. GODDAMN IT!

So much happened, but a full recap would take thousands of words that literally nobody will read. So instead, we’ll hit the highlights:

-Nathan isn’t a bad guy! Maybe! We find out he’s been working with the Feds to take down Linderman this entire time.

-Unfortunately, Linderman knows this, and that’s why he’s instructed Jessica to kill him. Oops.

-Linderman is revealed to be Malcom McDowell! Awesome casting! And he enjoys making pot pies! Even better! But he does not enjoy sharing them with people who pull guns on him, Nathan. Boo. Seriously, that whole scene in the kitchen was brilliantly staged, as it simultaneously made Linderman seem like “just folks” but also gave him that weird joie de vivre that can turn a good villain into a great villain. Love him.

-Linderman promises Nate that if he does what he says, he’ll be President within two years. And it seems that Nathan buys into the power play.

-Mohinder figured out who Sylar really is! And he drugged him, and took a sample of his spinal fluid to help crack the Hero Code, and then tried to kill him! But stupid Mohinder didn’t notice that Sylar’s powers kicked back in right before he tried to shoot him (oops) and now Sylar wants a Mohinder Brain McMuffin --- but only after he finishes that list he keeps going on about.

-But that will have to wait since Peter, freaking out over Simone’s death, runs to Mohinder to “cure” his powers and finds Mohinder hanging from the ceiling, bleeding, and Sylar pulling his ol’ skullcap removal trick on ol’ Pete. We see blood spatter and hair removal, and to be continued! (Peter will be fine, he’s got Claire’s powers. But I am curious to see the two of them go at it again. Not like that, pervert.)

-Speaking of Claire, she gives Haitian Sensation the slip and hops a plane for New York to find Peter Petrelli (you’ll remember that he saved her back in the fall). Except Pete’s not home. Haitian is at his apartment – and so is Pete’s mom! Who he’s been working for all along! And she knows EVERYTHING! And she says that she’s Claire’s grandma, and has been trying to protect her! Love it!

-Bennet remembers nothing about what happened to Claire, but his wife does (she’s pretending to be mindwiped and is now working with him to save her --- I love this couple). He gets sent to New York with his new partner, the goth-y chick from last episode whose powers are to change shape, Mystique-style, to handle the Isaac/Simone deal. He gets back and talks with his wife about Claire, but it becomes readily apparent to everyone but Bennet that this is actually shape-shifter, not his wife, and at the end she calls in Eric Roberts to take care of Bennet. No! I really hope they don’t kill him! Or his wife! Or MR. MUGGLES!

-Speaking of the Isaac situation, he tries to kill Peter some more after he shoots Simone (what an asshole), and then tries lying to the cops when they come to investigate reports of gunfire and an anonymous tip --- courtesy of a now-fled Peter --- that Simone has been killed. But when Simone waltzes through the front door perfectly fine, they leave. It’s Shape-Shifter, who harasses Isaac then leaves. He goes back to drugs again and then paints his grisly death at the, er, teeth of Sylar. Cannot. Happen. Soon. Enough. Not even that hair makes him worth watching anymore.

-Hiro completes his hero’s quest FINALLY, with a little help from Nathan. He gives Linderman’s curator the Isaac painting of him fighting the dinosaur (which, given that we now know Hiro’s dad is in on all this, it makes the fact that he ripped that in half a lot more interesting, no?) and uses the opportunity to steal the sword. Curator rings the alarm, and then it’s Ando to the rescue! Yay! He’d been posing as a security guard, knowing that Hiro would eventually come for the sword and trigger the alarms. I have to say, I missed the bloke. Hiro gets the sword, his powers return, and he teleports him and Ando to the future, where they’ve failed to stop the bomb. Oops. Makes me wonder: was that picture of the dinosaur from post-apocalypse New York?

-Jessica discovers that Nikki has been getting out a little bit here and there, just enough to sabotage her relationship with DL. She still goes on her Nathan-hunting assignment and delightfully kills the two Feds working the Linderman case. Then Nikki somehow takes back over and warns Nathan about what’s going on with Linderman, and instructs him to knock her out. He does. I must say, I’m growing worried about this character. Her screen time has been waaaay reduced, and I hear reports that Larter is a total diva on set. I’m afraid she’ll get whacked before too long, and that would sadden me. I really like this character.

-Matt’s still stuck with The Company. Who really cares?

I can’t believe I have to wait like two months to find out what happens next. DAMN IT!

OK, people. It's time to get serious.

Tonight and tomorrow night we finish the "Idol" semifinal rounds, and our definitive Top 12 will be locked in. For the most part you've done OK so far --- I would've liked to have seen AJ hang around another week, but at least you dumped Nick's boring ass. Now we're in the danger zone. The whole affair dances on the edge of a knife or whatever. One bad voting decision could cost a potentially deserving candidate a shot at fleeting demi-stardom, and simultaneously give some New Jersey titty-flasher even more ill-gotten press attention. So let's make sure we're all on the same page, OK?

 It is acceptable to vote for the following male singers, regardless of how sucky they may be tonight:

-Blake Lewis

-Chris Sligh

-Chris Richardson

It is acceptable to vote for the following male singers only if they sing moderately well tonight:

-Brandon Rogers

-Jared Cotter

It is NOT acceptable to vote for the following male singers, but I know you will anyway:

-Phil Stacey

-SUNDANCE F'ING HEAD

It is NOT acceptable to vote for this male singer, even though you want to because he's cute and sexually non-threatening, but you will one day live to regret this infantile teenage crush, because I am telling you, girls --- he is gay. And you have plenty of time to legitimately date a gay man who will break your heart, so why bother wasting good karma on this loser now?

-Sanjaya Malakar

CONCLUSION: PLEASE DO NOT VOTE FOR SANJAYA! He does not want to be there! He does not deserve your votes! He is embarrassed for himself --- and for you for voting for him! Also, either Jared or Brandon has got to go. I would lean toward Brandon after his butchering of "Time After Time" last week, but that's because I'm a hardcore Lauperhead.

As for the ladies:

It is acceptable to vote for the following young women regardless of how sucky they may be Wednesday:

-Jordin Sparks

-Melinda Doolittle 

-Lakisha Jones

It is acceptable to vote for the following young women based on their performance Wednesday:

-Sabrina Sloan

-Stephanie Edwards

-Gina Glocksen

It is unacceptable to vote for the following young woman because she is boring and stupid:

-Haley Scarnato

It is unacceptable to vote for the following young woman because she is a hack, is a trashy whore whose filthy bits and dirty pillows I have seen on the Internets many times even though I HAVE NO INTEREST IN SEEING THEM, is an uppity bitch, and is unrepentantly dismissive of any suggestions that she is maybe kind of totally in way over her head:

-Antonella Barba

CONCLUSION: We have got to nip this Barba problem in the bud right now, folks. If she makes the Top 12 America is literally saying it prefers "hot" (I say, horse-faced), talentless slutbots to real women possessing letigimate singing abilities AND the good sense to keep their clothes on when in public, or in front of a camera. Would you really feel good in the morning knowing that, say, Stephanie Edwards or Sabrina Sloan went home just so you can continue masturbating to Antonella's horsey image for the next week or so? I mean, ew.

There are your marching orders. I know that we're supposed to be a "democracy" or whatever, but let's face it --- you blew it last time. Taylor Hicks?! Even the SHOW is embarrassed to be associated with that douchebag. Let's avoid a repeat, please. Ditch the losers while you still have a chance.

They gave me one episode of hope this season and then they ripped it away. After news was released recently that "Desperate Housewives" has been signed on until at least 2011, you'd think the show would be on top of its game. But no. What the heck is going on? Suddenly, Edie has a son that appears out of nowhere, yet the writers have written him in like he's been there all along. I hate when they do that! I kept thinking, "Did I miss an episode?" No, they just tossed him in like we wouldn't notice. Maybe it's because Edie's screen time is going to increase since Marcia Cross won't be doing any more episodes this season. Yeah, I know she's got a "real" life and all, and the zoomed-in head shots to hide her belly were getting a bit annoying, but it will be strange to have Bree just...gone.

They've also worked in a pregnancy for Danielle. Honestly, who cares? The Wisteria Lane children are so yawn. I don't care about Julie, Danielle, or Austin. I must admit a bit an affinity for Andrew, but his screen time is so minuscule right now. I think they don't know how to handle his "gay" storyline, but mark my words: if they un-gay him and put him together with Julie (which looks possible), I will stop watching the show. Seriously.

On top of everything else, Rex narrated the show tonight instead of Mary Alice. First off, Steven Culp cannot narrate; he just has a weak voice and no delivery. Secondly, why replace Mary Alice? This better not be permanent. I get that it gave us the "guy's" angle on the show and I did enjoy a mostly "Desperate Househusbands" show because the guys are just a little bit more interesting lately.

Last thing: When Lynette and Tom kissed and made up tonight I think I heard a collective "aww" the world over. I usually barf at the syrupy sweetness of it all, but somehow it was just endearing tonight. So one time --- and one time only --- I'm going to join the masses: "Awww."

Blake opens the show with 311's "All Mixed Up," and again the judges act like he has arrived from Mars with this new sound that they've never heard of or contemplated. Did Randy and Paula just totally skip the mid-'90s? Because 311 had at least two or three solid hits. Anyway, it's typical Blake: passable vocals gilded by generous dollops of beatboxing. Blake is the strongest guy candidate, and that's kind of sad. Also sad: the fact that Blake is an improv comedy nut and has "characters" that he does, like the redneck caricature he regales us with in his intro clip. Minus, like, 1 million points, Blake.

Sanjaya flat-ironed his hair. Every week, a new style with this kid. He's like a living Bratz doll. Amazing. He chooses John Mayer's "Waiting on the World to Change," a boring song I already hate. But something weird happens --- Sanjaya gets a spark three-quarters of the way through. It's alive, people! Maybe in the presence of another boring, Sanjaya's natural boring personality flares up, like Japanese fighting fish or something. It is unquestionably his best performance to date, but comparatively still pretty much sucks. All the judges tell him so, even Paula, who blames him for AJ going home. (I do too, kind of.) Simon point blank tells him that his hair is what's keeping him in the competition, and everyone reacts like he just accused the kid of fellating cats or something. Simon speaks the truth, people. Most of the time. And he's dead on with the hair thing. What's the first thing I always mention about the kid? Exactly.

F'ing Sundance has a fauxhawk and is dressed straight from the American Eagle collection. And he thinks this is an appropriate look in which to present Pearl Jam's "Jeremy." So, OK. Let's first dissect this: Sundance was initially presented to us as a blues singer. He has now chosen to sing 1) The Moody Blues (not a blues band); 2) Wilson Pickett (relatively bluesy); and 3) a grunge rock song. Who is this person? I'm all for taking risks, but Pearl Jam?! Especially "Jeremy"?! An homage to school violence? And of course, he is awful. This guy can't keep the beat to save his life. He has zero stage presence. And he's consistently flat in every song. Every one! And then there is the screaming. He does excel at screaming. Nobody ever calls him on that, and it infuriates me. The judges have tepid reactions to his performance, which I think is staged so that he'll get sympathy votes to continue in the contest. Because the producers seem to want him to win. Which blows my mind because we already have a Taylor Hicks, and nobody wants him anyway.

Chris Richardson reveals in his video intro that he used to be a fatty, which makes me love him even more. He sings some song by Keith Urban, apparently, and it is very whiny and fairly dull. Thing is, I think it's his best vocal yet. Simon wasn't wowed, and says he still thinks Chris hasn't shown us what he can really do. I agree completely. He's yet to have a star-making performance. No time like the present, kid...

Jared makes the daring choice to sing a Stevie Wonder song, in this case "If You Really Love Me." He mugs for the camera perhaps more than he ever has, and it is kind of gross and sad. This performance really clinched for me why I do not like Jared: he lacks even a shred of originality. In his three performances he's chosen Brian McKnight, Marvin Gaye, and Stevie Wonder. You just know that Al Green is coming next, if he had his druthers. Beyond that, he sings the songs exactly as those artists did. He is a copycat, and not a good one at that. I find his dependence on others offensive at this point, and I've had enough of him. Send him home! (And I think you will tomorrow.)

Brandonbusts out "I Just Want to Celebrate," and for the first time in the semi-finals finally doesn't hold back. He even has some energy! Sadly, even with his full commitment he's only mildly entertaining. In a really bad omen Simon calls him "Travis." Ouch. You've been here for weeks now and we don't even remember your name? Ciao, baby.

Phil reveals that he used to have long hair, but shaved it to fit in with some clique (surprise, surprise) and decided he liked it that way. So his judgment should be called into question right there. Add on his choice to perform the LeeAnn Rimes song "I Need You" and you have a human being who is very wrong in many ways. It is awful. Just awful. Once again Phil completely destroys the beginning of the song. He has no lower range whatsoever; it's like this garbled mess of half-words and half-notes. Sonic gruel, just as aurally appetizing as you'd think. When he gets to the chorus he literally just screams the words. It is beyond shouty. The judges finally take him to task for this, and Phil brown noses as best he can. He's still safe, but finally some cracks are emerging in his vampiric veneer. Bring down the stake, America!

Sligh ends the night with yet another song nobody knows, this one about "We All Want to Be Loved." Don't tell me what I want, Sligh. Also, better watch these "alternative" song choices unless you want to end up like one Nadia Turner. (Actually, Nadia and Chris have a lot in common with one another now that I think about it.) He sings it fine, I guess, but the judges pretty much hate it. I think they were tainted by how underwhelming the whole show was and took it out on Chris a bit. But he should be safe.

In the end, the judges say flat out that fully half of these chumps should go home. Alas, we can only pick off two. I desperately want Sanjaya gone, and I'm committed to that. But I won't mind if Jared and Brandon go home, and I suspect that's exactly what'll happen Thursday.

TONIGHT: I have to miss "Top Model" for this, and I'm already having a hard time dealing with it. (My friend with TiVo is out of town til tomorrow. Devil!) Anyway, I trust the girls will bring it. But no matter what happens, PLEASE DO NOT VOTE FOR ANTONELLA! Let go, people.

The ladies were awesome, again, some more. I know: big surprise. But I am starting to see some cracks in my precious Ethnic Five (plus Gina) plan. It's going to be a bloodbath for those last couple slots. Let's see who got in the best cuts.

Jordin picks “Heartbreaker” by Pat Benatar. This is why I like Jordin: she takes chances. It’s not an expected choice for her. It’s not AWESOME, but it’s good --- there are some weird breathing issues and she seems distracted in parts. I just think she’s a little too sweet to be doing the Benatar. Also, not enough deep shoulder action. But she does sing the hell out of it, and ends awesomely. Go Jordin! 

Sabrina sings “Don’t Let Go” by En Vogue. It’s OK, but a little screechy in parts, and also a touch flat. I think it’s her weakest of the three weeks, but that’s still pretty decent. I really hope Sabrina makes it, but she’s the most forgettable of the ethnic girls. And I think she’s in serious danger this week.

Antonella sings the Corinne Bailey Rae song that I hate. And she’s way flat in the bridge. But I will say this: It’s the best she’s ever been on this show. It’s true. She did not suck. Compared to her competition, though, she’s a trifle. Simon tells her that she’s gone as far as she can go --- but I think he might have just guaranteed she’ll make it through after the Jersey kids fight back. Simon is clearly over her and the Antonella Slut Machine that the media has created. I’m afraid that America is not.

Haley. Who? Exactly. In a move even more hilarious than last week’s “Queen of the Night” she picks a song called --- I’m guessing --- “If My Heart Had Wings.” It is the cheesiest thing you can imagine, except for maybe Haley herself. You know what does have wings, Haley? Airplanes. Like the one taking you home tomorrow night. She sings it well enough but there’s nothing interesting about this girl, and she’s not going to get any better than she is. When she goes to panel, things get very dicey as Simon just lays it all out there; he compares it to a “ghastly high school musical performance” and tells her he doesn’t know her name! Hilarious! He gutted her on live television. Delicious. When Pissy Ryan gets defensive on Haley’s behalf, Haley explains that she “always gets bad criticisms” and “Simon doesn’t like me” and she “clocks in and clocks out.” And whatever, Haley. Outclassed. Just be gracious about it, bitch.

Stephanie is singing “Sweet Thing” by Chaka Kahn. I’ll tell you what --- girl knows how to DRESS. Tailored within an inch of her life. She is just amazing, this girl. What a range. What life in her voice. So effortless. She absolutely commands the stage. And yet, she never stands out like Lakisha or Melinda (or even Jordin). Randy and Simon call her out as being somewhat copycat, and I don’t disagree. But damn it’s a good copy.

Lakisha sings “I Have Nothing” by Whitney. And I say it again: what will Lakisha do on country week? What will she do on classics week? Anyway, it’s not nearly as good as Whitney. Lakisha has a lot of power but very little control. The judges fall all over her, but I disagree. Simon says she looks beautiful, and on that I do agree.

Gina sings “Call Me When You’re Sober” by Evanescene, and this is the type of stuff I want to see her singing. Go rock, Gina. It sets you apart from the rest of the competition. She looks amazing and she sings it well, although she gets kind of shouty in parts. But it is a shouty-y song. This for me was like a return to Gina past. I missed her.

Melinda sings “I’m a Woman” and is predictably a superstar. She is, for my money, the best singer on the show. She’s been coming out of her shell the past couple weeks, and boy did she command that stage tonight. Simon calls her a “little tiger,” and that’s cute. Lakisha might be judges favorites right now, but I think Melinda has what it takes to go the long haul. She’s a pro and knows exactly how to use her voice to its best effect, and I suspect she’ll adapt much better to the theme weeks. I will be stunned if Melinda is not the Final 2 when all is said and done.

SHOULD GO HOME: Haley, Antonella.

WILL GO HOME: Haley (she damned well better…), and while I want to say Antonella, she kind of redeemed herself a little bit. That coupled with the Jersey Herpes Mafia votes she’s rolling in makes me think she’s probably made the Top 12. Dammit. I think Sabrina’s in danger, and also possibly Stephanie and Jordin. And I would miss either of the latter two desperately.

OH, AMERICA! Just when I've pretty much given up on you, you go and pull a shockeroo decision like this. All is forgiven.

After a fairly terrible group sing to "Stuck in the Middle With You," in which Sundance notably gets the pimp spot, the long road to the Final 12 finally ends. Most of the expected folks get the good news early --- Blake and Lakisha, Chris Sligh, Jordin (so glad she's safe), Melinda and Phil. And then we get our first cut: Jared. No surprise, but needless to say I'm very pleased. Then some more get through: Chris Robinson, Gina, Brandon (that one shocked me). And then our second cut: Antonella. Gotta say, kind of shocked. She is devastated and cries, and it's in that momen that I realize that this show has absolutely destroyed her life. Well, no. That's not true. She's ultimately responsible for taking her top off for any person with a camera in the tri-state area. But how was she to know she'd become a demi-celebrity in the MySpace age? I guess nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition....

Stephanie is in, and that's a relief. It leaves us only with Haley and Sabrina, and Sundance and Sanjaya. And then reality becomes unglued. The girls are dispatched first, as HALEY SCARNATO MAKES THE TOP 12. Can someone explain this to me? Who on earth is voting for this girl? "If My Heart Had Wings"? "Queen of the Night"?! Whatever awful song she sung the first week? More people vote for that than for lovely, lovely Sabrina? The judges are appalled, but I think Simon needs to take at least a little of the blame. Haley undoubtedly got some sympathy votes after his vicious attack last night. It doesn't really matter, though. She'll be Melissa McGhee'd with a quickness next week, and the world will forget she ever existed. I'm forgetting her right now. Bye, Sabrina. You are very pretty, and gave us two good performances. The competition is just too stupid for you.

And yet, maybe not. With a Sanjaya/Sundance pairing there's only one way it can go down. Sanjaya has been horrible and the judges hate him for it. Sundance has been horrible but the judges love him for it and want him to win the show. So imagine my shock and delight when it is FAT, STUPID, SHOUTY SUNDANCE! who gets the boot. Oh, delicious. Oddly enough, Mr. Crybaby for the Cameras last week doesn't shed a single tear. Funny that. What a goddamn fake piece of crap. The judges are totally stunned --- Simon rolls his eyes --- and Paula says that "No offense to Sanjaya, but this is a singing competition, and we just lost one of our finest." Well, if you discount every awful performance during Hollywood, the awful performance in Week 1 of semifinals, and the embarrassing performance this week in semifinals, that could maybe possibly be true. But it's not. From his first, overpraised audition to his last, undercriticized performance, Sundance never once did a damn thing that was original or interesting. He's barely even serviceable. Good. Riddance.

So our Top 12 is: Blake, Chris R., Chris S., Brandon, Phil, Sanjaya, Lakisha, Stephanie, Jordin, Melinda, Gina, and Haley. And the next few weeks will go a little something like this:

-First three weeks: Haley, Sanjaya, Brandon. In that order. No question.

-Second three weeks: Phil, Stephanie, Gina. I'd also say Lakisha will be in danger thereabouts.

-Third three weeks: Lakisha, Jordin, Chris R.

-Last three weeks: That leaves a final three of Melinda, Chris S., and Blake (but Chris R. could sub in for Blake depending on if he starts stepping up his game). And it's really no contest. Melinda Doolittle is your 2007 American Idol. Let's see if it comes true.

Well, that changes the whole game, doesn't it?

Last night's "Amazing Race All-Stars" saw the elimination of perennial front-runners --- and perennial reality TV stars --- Rob and Amber. The duo had come in first place all three legs, but a little bit of hubris + a bad temper + crappy spelling - good luck = a last-place finish behind even Charla and Mirna. Ouch.

The producers heavily telegraphed this by promising an ending "everyone will be talking about" this morning. But the editing of the actual episode robbed (no pun intended) any real drama from the proceedings. We just watched the spouses sink deeper and deeper into the pack while Charla and Mirna were cast as the plucky underdogs. Mirna is many things, but "plucky" is not one of them.

Ultimately I'm glad they're gone --- this leaves the race wide open, and any number of teams could win it (I'm rooting for Danny and Ozzy). But it was just such an inauspicious way to go out for two amazing Amazing Racers. Once they hit the final part of the leg, which relegated not only travel order but travel time and featured a roadblock that involved no skill whatsoever, just luck, they were screwed. Nothing they could do.

But at least now we're spared a season in which every leg ends with Rob and Amber an hour ahead of everyone else. That would have gotten boring. Fast.

One perk of "Heroes" being on hiatus --- I get to catch up on "I Love New York." The "Flavor of Love" spinoff hasn't been nearly as entertaining as its progenitor, but it's had some moments. (12-Pack's elimination last week gave us one of the all-time great reality TV exit lines: "My ex-girlfriend was looking pretty good tonight, so I'm going to go home and bang the shit out of her." Classy!) Last night we were down to four: eventual winner Tango, brothers Real and Chance, and hanger-on Whiteboy. Whiteboy finally got canned after revealing that he'd been in a five-year relationship up until two months ago, which is a problem for New York --- she's nobody's rebound girl. But the fact that New York kept him around for this long and hadn't yet ferreted out that crucial bit of information is an even bigger issue. Whiteboy's one of those guys that just flew under the radar, and never really did anything good or bad to warrant any attention. In other words, a seat filler. I'm glad he's gone.

The episode consisted of New York taking her beaus on two-man dates, one featuring Real and Tango, the other Whiteboy and Chance. Real has been coasting thus far, barely making any impact whatsoever. He's remarkably bland given his brother's flaming assholery. But this episode he turned it up, devolving into a straight-up 10-year-old. Embarrassing. He kept calling Tango stupid names, spouted off cheesy BS line after cheesy BS line, and literally fell to the ground fake gagging when Tango kissed New York. This is attractive? To anyone? It was so pathetic, and he'll be the next to go. Meanwhile Chance continued his "bad boy" streak, this time pouting during the shared dinner, physically grabbing New York while she danced with Whiteboy, and then telling her to "shut the f**k up " among other insults. Nice. Yet New York is totally into his shtick, so he's definitely Final 2. No way her mom lets her pick him, though. It's Tango all the way.

I'm actually looking forward to "I Love New York" wrapping up. The show has been good for New York herself --- she typically comes off as charming and funny --- but the only guy I'll actually miss is 12-Pack. Plus, the second "FoL" spinoff, "Charm School," is right around the corner. It features "Flavor" rejects learning how to become refined ladies. Previews last night revealed that Pumkin, Bootz, Buckwild, and Toastee are all involved, and we can only hope that Sumthin and Goldie made the cut too. That sounds like some fantastic television.

First things first: the Ryan/Simon Gay Panic reached heretofore unseen heights, as Ryan asked Simon for tips on wearing heels, Simon told Ryan to come out of the closet, and Ryan smirked that that will only happen in Simon’s dreams. I can’t make this stuff up, people!

Anyway, the Top 12 were turned over to the amazingly well-preserved hands of Diana Ross, who seriously looks better now than she did five years ago. I don’t know whose babies she’s been sacrificing, but they can take solace in the fact that their offspring translated into some flawless skin. Ross reined in the crazy and actually had some helpful hints for some of our aspiring Idols. Unfortunately, none of the tips were “stop sucking” to the guys, and five out of six were more awful than ever. Onward:

BRANDON FORGOT THE WORDS! To “You Can’t Hurry Love.” Utterly shameful. That’s not the only problem, though. I realized that Brandon’s voice really doesn’t fit this type of song, and in fact doesn’t fit most types of songs. There’s a…milky quality to his voice. It’s like his throat is covered in phlegm or something. That’s the best way I know how to describe it. It works fine for male soul songs, and not much else. Simon called it straight: no star quality. Brandon is totally forgettable, and he’s in danger tonight.

I think maybe Melinda got her hair trimmed, because she appeared to have a little bit of a neck this week. Seriously, girl has an enormous head and teeny little neck. But great rack! She sang “Home” from “The Wiz,” and I’m not a big fan of the song, frankly. Classic Broadway showstopper, but it’s not very melodic. Melinda predictably knocked it out of the park. Paula literally sobbed, and Melinda teared up at the audience’s huge reaction. Simon called her out as a young Gladys Knight, and totally. Fetch me some Pips!

Chris Sligh chose “Endless Love,” and that is a very odd song choice. Even more odd: he turned it into a Coldplay song, with the dripping piano and some major chord changes. I appreciate the impulse to do something different, but seriously, he sang the lyrics to “Endless Love” over the background to “Clocks.” His little “I’m too cool for ‘Idol’’s BS” bit just crossed over into pretense, and this was borderline offensive. He didn’t even sing it that well --- he overdid the power notes, was flat in parts, and failed to convey the emotion of the song AT ALL. Paula actually said something intelligible: he tries too hard to be too hip. Exactly what was wrong with that performance.

Gina picked “Love Child,” which is the most “rock” of Ross’ songs. She looked cute as hell in her tailored jacket. As for the singing, it was pitchy, and the middle lacked energy. Paula called “Love Child” feel good, and that’s not true. Anthem, yes. But not a feel-good ditty. Simon called it a middle-pack performance, and that’s true.

Sanjaya scalped Carrie Bradshaw from Season 4 of “Sex and the City” and he and his tight curls sang “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough.” How did nobody stop this? It was exactly what you’d expect: flat, tiny-voiced, boring. He is so WEAK! He actually started to get better in the middle, but got absorbed into the background by the end. Besides the powerful sucking, I feel like I am watching Sanjaya’s M to F transition before my eyes --- the hair, the earrings, the ever-more-effeminate affections. It’s confronting. Randy was stupefied by the performance, and that’s the only appropriate reaction.

Haley sang “Missing You,” and not only did she biff the lyrics (she really is Melissa McGhee, isn’t she?) but the song swallowed her whole. And it’s a quiet song! Jesus, Haley. Flat voice. Embarrassing dancing. Just bad all around. Randy ripped her apart, Paula said she was pretty, and Simon was surprisingly very sweet to her. Note that when she got some good feedback the girl who “checks out” during judging suddenly became rapt with attention. What a fake bitch. I like to think that Simon just doomed her by being overly nice to her. Which is delicious.

Diana Ross said that Nos-Phil-ratu brought back memories of Marvin Gaye, and hopefully she means that someone will shoot him. That’s mean. But really, Phil Stacey and Marvin Gaye have nothing in common except an extraneous “E” in their last names. He sang “I’m Gonna Make You Love Me.” He started out strong, which is rare for Phil. He was pretty decent on the chorus, because it is naturally shouty. Phil was the best guy of the night, and you know how it pains me to say that.

Lakisha sang “God Bless the Child” and was amazing. Duh. I was expecting some bugs to start appearing the The Lakisha Machine, but she definitely held on. I still don’t think she has a hope of winning this thing.

Blake lost more of my affection with his rendition of “You Keep Me Hanging On,” which he sang while doing his impression of Michael Jackson. (That’s pre-crazy, Bubbles-era MJ for those keeping stock at home.) He did some cheesy dance moves, ignored the lyrics at all times, and did an uninspired vocal to boot. Poor Blake. All of your street cred and you don’t have a single original bone in your little body. It wasn’t bad, but seriously, his vocals aren’t even close to being up to snuff. At least he didn’t beatbox!

Stephanie blew a huge opportunity by nixing the dance elements of “Love Hangover.” What the hell is the point of that? The Extended Intro Remix is a piece of shit, and people only like “Love Hangover” for the bootyshaking disco meat. I hated this arrangement. It made a fun song boring. And she was pretty shouty. Stephanie is in trouble tonight.

Chris R picked my favorite Diana song, “The Boss,” and blew the words within the first line. It got worse from there. He sounded so pinched, so nasal, so flat. Just destroyed what it is a totally kick-ass song. At least he had some goddamn pep, though, BRANDON. But man he needs to lay off those squealy runs….

Jordin ended the night by singing “If We Go On Together,” the song from “The Land Before Time” and, incidentally, the theme of my 6th Grade Graduation. One tear! She oversang the power notes, but handled the rest just beautifully. And she looked gorgeous. She needed this performance, and while she didn’t nail it, she did well enough. That said, Jordin needs to stop singing ballads from cartoons.

In danger: Brandon, Haley, Sanjaya, Chris S, Stephanie.

Best of the night: Melinda, Jordin, Lakisha. OF COURSE.

Looking forward to Pimpomercials!

I've been looking forward to this show since before I even knew it existed. Thirteen former "Flavor of Love" contestants will be put through "charm school" by zaftig comedian Mo'nique in the hopes that they will learn proper manners and become "ladies." (In addition to better etiquette, the winner takes home a $50K check.) The speculation as to who would be invited back ran wild. Now we know! And while we got some good selections, there are a couple notable absences that make this kind of a letdown. We have:

FROM SEASON 1:

Rain, Goldie, Hottie, Smiley, Serious, Pumkin 

FROM SEASON 2:

Like Dat, Buckeey, Saaphyri, Buckwild, Toasteee, Bootz, Krazy 

Some of these picks are great --- I look forward to the further adventures of Bootz, Pumkin, Toastee, Goldie, Hottie, and Buckeey for sure. I kind of hated Krazy and Buckwild, but they made for good television. Saaphyri is the only girl in the history of "Flavor" to not get a nickname since she was thrown out prior to the naming ceremony for viciously beating down another girl, so she HAS to be here. But Rain and Serious from Season 1? Really? Who ARE these girls? I don't even remember them. According to Wikipedia they were eliminated in episodes 2 and 3, respectively. Did they make that much of an impact to warrant being brought back?

As for girls who DID deserve a shot on this show and are inexplicably missing, consider Sumthin from Season 2 (the notorious house-pooper) and Red Oyster from Season 1, who was the first-ever house snitch. I'm stunned that they're not present.

Predictions: I fear for Bootz's continued success in the game, since she tends to be...unruly. Goldie should do well; I adored her on "FoL" and hopefully her natural sweetness will win the day here. Buckeey could also do well, and Krazy will fake her way to the top. (But her and Hottie in the same house should be pretty great.) And if we don't get a cameo by Flav, Deelishis, or New York, I will be deeply disappointed. New York most of all. Man, those girls hate her...

We're back to only two nights a week. Thank GOD. Anyway, the Top 12 shrank to 11 with the overdue elimination of Brandon Rogers. He will not be missed. Throughout semifinals he hammered home just how boring and awkward a performer he is, and on Tuesday he added insult to injury by forgetting the WORDS. Dude. No. Brandon dealt with it all very well, so that speaks highly of him. And he's a good-looking guy. But he just didn't have it.

Other things of note:

-The pimpomercial was atrocious. We all agree that the guys suck this season, right? That the girls are the only reason to tune in? So why not do a commercial that features ONLY the guys singing, and the girls acting as hangers-on as they do some weird "through the ages" shtick to the tunes of freaking Modest Mouse. Was that an attempt at being relevant? Guys, learn from Blake and Chris Slight's mistakes --- just sing the damn songs.

-The bottom three included Brandon, Phil, and Sanjaya. So all guys. That seems right. Phil was sent back to the stools, leaving Sanjaya in his perennial Vidal Sassoon Memorial ThisClose to Cutting spot. He's starting to look less shocked when he's spared. My irritation at Sanjaya has subsided --- at this point I just find the whole thing hysterical. How far can he go?

-DialIdol.com got it totally wrong. The service claims to predict who's getting booted based on volunteers monitoring what Idol calls get through and what Idol lines are busy. The site listed Chris S. and Stephanie as the bottom 2 going into last night, and put Sanjaya in the top 3.

-Diana Ross performed live, and looked lovely again. But sounded awful. It was screechy and shouty and offkey and behind the tempo. It was a mess. It was like one of the guys' performances from Tuesday. If she'd actually been on the show, she would have gone home this week. Sorry, Diana.

Two exciting things happen this week: Makeovers! And the revealing of several stealth bitches!

On the makeover front, it's a pretty mixed bag. Brittany gets a brighter red and longer weave and it does a lot to minimize her manjaw problems. Also, it also does a lot to make her cry, which she appears to do frequently to the consternation of all the other girls. Sarah goes brunette, and it helps her features look more defined, I think, rather than the amorphous blog look she was rocking previously. Cassandra's sewn-on wig is removed from her head, and is replaced with a beautiful afro weave. Renee gets a shorter, choppier 'do, and it does wonderful job shaping her face. Felicia gets extensions and bangs, and the fivehead is no more! Dionne gets her locks cut off and I'm kind of ambivalent about it. Jaslene looks exactly the same. Diana goes blonde, but who really cares? Whitney's long locks really do nothing for her. Jael went through hours of pain getting a long weave sewn on, only to have it ripped out because Tyra thought it wasn't working. And poor Natasha drew the short stick with a goofy assymetrical chocolate brown cut that does her no favors whatsoever. It actually makes her look fat. They should have just chopped that mane off, y'all.

So, the bitchery: Renee has not only emerged as house bitch, she may be the top SERIES bitch. She has the worst, stankiest attitude of anyone on this show, ever. Even worse than S4's Brandy! Renee has an opinion about everybody and everything, except for herself. Her lack of self-awareness is truly awe-inspiring. Also, despite being arguably the prettiest girl there she has yet to take a really good photo. Ugly on the inside translating to her photos? Who knows. But Renee throws it down with crybaby Brittany, who everyone pretty much hates at this point. She goes so far as to give her the finger. Love it. But plus-sized girls Diana and Whitney even bring out the claws, with Whitney slapping Brittany down and Diana openly offering that "I hate that bitch so much." Wow! Who knew Diana had a pulse? Thing is, Brittany is taking some amazing photos and winning challenge after challenge. I don't see her sticking around that long, but we'll see. On the sad front, Sarah seems to be edging back from her campaign of bitchiness, and this makes me sad.

The photo shoot involved the girls posing nude except for liberal coatings of ice cream, candy, and sauces. Kind of gross, frankly. But some of the results --- especially Brittany's, who complained incessantly about the nudieness --- were pretty cool. Cassandra couldn't hack it, of course, and was sent home. At this point we've removed most of the obvious chaff (except boring Diana) so the next couple eliminations should get pretty interesting.

Next up: Renee breaks down. Love this season!

"Grey's" returned last night for, apparently, one new episode to help launch ABC's newest, sure-to-fail drama, "October Road." (I'd like it to succeed just because it has Donna from "That 70s Show," but I don't care enough to actually watch it.) It's been a couple weeks since we last checked in with Seattle Grace's interns, but not much has changed. They're all still talking about me me me me me me me.

Seriously. Last night's episode made me realize that at this point I don't really like any of these characters. Izzie continues to be a horrible bitch to George about the Callie marriage and thinks that Alex just HAS to be into her because she's, you know, Izzie. (Alex has apparently taken over George's room in Meredith's house.) Christina's ex-professor/ex-flame comes to the hospital, which sets of Burke's jerk meter and he basically pouts and sulks because he's not the first authority figure she's slept with. It's more complicated than that, yes, but essentially he's being a whiny bitch. Christina tries to comfort him in the lamest way possible and just pisses him off more, and I am really, totally done with this couple. They are incompatible. Just give it up, already. Meanwhile, George finds out that Callie is actually rich, and this sparks a huge fight between the two of them in which Callie tells George that the reason Izzie hates her is because Izzie wants George herself, and then George basically dismisses this because Izzie is pretty, which in turn suggests that Callie is not. And ouch, you idiot. Callie throws him out, he goes to Meredith's, and he and Izzie get drunk and wake up in bed naked together. Sigh. Meanwhile, Meredith seems to be totally fine after being literally, clinically dead for several hours and goes back to work and it's never mentioned (despite the fact that everyone talks about her mom's death, so the Meredith Is Dead episodes couldn't have been that long ago --- days at most). Derek works on some boring patients and fights with Addy and McSteamy and is boring some more. Meredith is forced into dinner with her dad and stepmom and ultimately enjoys herself despite her dad's stupidity. And Alex continues spending more time with the pregnant lady he saved from the ferry accident, and man, this is a boring storyline.

So to sum up:

-Meredith is fine after being dead. No ill effects whatsoever. Back to work already! Nobody even mentions it. Whatever, show.

-Derek continues to be boring.

-Addison got like five lines. Bring on that spinoff.

-Alex continues to make googly eyes at the badly deformed, pregnant amnesiac instead of Addison. Again, whatever, show.

-George somehow ends up banging Izzie, which makes three hot women he's slept with besides being a total dork (and I love dorks). A third whatever, show.

-Callie's insecurities are ruining her marriage, and only in television would someone discovering that their partner is rich become a problem. A fourth whatever, show.

-Izzie hisses at Callie for being rich (...yeah, I don't know) when literally five episodes ago she found out Magical Heart Patient Denny was a millionaire, and she herself was worth $8 million until she donated it to the hospital. A fifth whatever, show. (Also, is ANYONE on this show not outrageously wealthy?)

-Christina and Burke continue their death march to the aisle. Give it up. Please. I already hate McChokey, do not make me hate Christina.

We have entered into the Bizarro World, people. Rob and Amber's elimination last leg has thrown the entire race into chaos, and the unthinkable has occurred: Charla and Mirna came in first. I know! Insanity. Mind you, they can take almost zero credit for the win since it was secured by berating some poor man in Mozambique to lead them from task to task, even going so far as to browbeat him into paying them for a manicure. Yeah, I don't know. But Mirna assures us that their victory should signal to people all over the world that the underdog can come out on top. Or, alternately, that the determined little person and her shrieking howler monkey of a cousin can occassionally get lucky. One of the two.

The leg featured a lot of bunching and ultimately came down to what Detour you picked. Charla and Mirna picked doing manicures, as did the Beauty Queens and, due to a taxi error, Teri and Ian. Those three teams came in 1, 2, 3. (An aside: Is it weird that I'm rooting for Teri & Ian this season? I detested them the first time through, but they're actually quite sympathetic this time around.) That left the other four teams with a physically punishing task that involved scooping, bagging, and carrying charcoal. Uchenna and Joyce came in last but were spared elimination. I'm ambivalent. Now that Rob and Amber are gone my interest in U&J has dwindled considerably. Seeing those two teams rematched in the finale would have been dramatic. Now...they're already won a million. I'm totally cool with them getting the boot this time.

 Other things of note: Huge, mine-finding rats! That was actually pretty cool. And the rats were oddly cute. Danny and Oswald are starting to hit the Killer Fatigue, Danny in particular. This concerns me greatly. Team Guido started a fairly nasty rivalry with Eric and Danielle, or vice versa, and things gut ugly at the end, with Eric referring to them as "freaks," "weirdos," and "queens." Real classy, guy. Also classy? Cussing out your "girlfriend" for being beaten in a foot race. So you can add "jackass" to Eric's plate of "deeply closeted" and "not as attractive as he thinks."

Oh, and a coal-covered Oswald chasing Phil around the mat made my weekend.

We'll get to Ashley in a minute. But on the whole, last night's episode was a huge improvement over the disaster that was Diana Ross week. The British Invasion came to town and Peter Noone from Herman's Hermits (love them) and Lulu (ambivalent about her; is Petula Clark dead or something?) helped the aspiring Idols to suck less.

Haley opened the night, which is typically a bad omen. But shock of shocks, she didn't totally stink up the place with her rendition of "Tell Him." It was serviceable, even pleasant at times. I didn't hate her guts this week. It's a new sensation for me. To Haley's credit, she's finally figured out how to distinguish herself from The Four Divas + Rocker Gina: she's going for the jiggle vote. Haley wore the shortest formal shorts ever sewn (any higher and they would have gone from "formal" to "indecent") and a clingy top that showcased all her goods. Bully for her. Seriously, Haley's only shot in this thing is to use her looks --- her legs are amazing --- because she's being outsung by everyone but Sanjaya at this point. I kind of can't wait to see what she wears next week.

Chris R. had a deep hole to crawl out of after slaughtering "The Boss" last week. And he kind of did it with a scaled back, acoustic version of "Don't Let the Sun See You Crying." It was mildly boring, but his voice was light and lovely. Great eyes, too. You know how they make goose liver pate by shoving food down a goose til it basically explodes? That's what Chris typically does to a song. He crams it so full of melisma and irritating JT-lite tics that he destroys the vocals. It's a shame, and he kind of acknowledged that last night. He still gilded the lily in spots but last night was, for me, his best performance yet.

Stephanie is going home tonight, y'all. She took "You Don't Have to Say You Love Me" --- a great song that she should have blown out of the water --- and torpedoed it. Bizarre breath control problems. Flat vocals. A distinct lack of power and personality. I don't know what happened to her and Lakisha last night, but they lost some of their Diva Magic or whatever. They looked scared, Stephanie especially. She was roundly dissed by the judges, and rightfully so. I still don't know what went wrong; it's like the song wasn't in the right key for her. But this is the second disappointing week in a row, and she didn't have that much of a fan base to begin with. So goodbye, you gorgeous, sweet woman.

Blake blew last week but he also redeemed himself with "Time of the Season." It was the perfect song choice for his limited range, he sang it really well, threw in some beatboxing that somehow didn't annoy the shit out of me, and flirted like crazy with the crowd. Well done, m'boy. Best performance by him ever, no question. He keeps this up and he might make the finals like I initially predicted.

Lakisha kind of sucked doing "Diamonds Are Forever." I mean, by Lakisha standards. The vocals were still mostly there, but she looked uncomfortable --- her eyes were shifting all over the place, like she was desperately looking for an exit. Her look did her no favors, as she was dressed in a green frock that frankly made her look like a cactus. Mean, I know, but it's true. A minor deal was made about how many diamonds she was wearing, but I thought it all looked pretty trashy. The "AI" producers not knowing the boundary between tasteful and tacky? Who'd have thought? Simon told her that the performance was like seeing Lakisha as a 50-year-old, and I don't disagree. The cracks are starting to appear, folks. I'm still betting on a "shocking" Lakisha elimination by week 6.

Jordin, meanwhile, rocked "I Who Have Nothing." It's a huge song, and she proved she can do huge. That came out wrong, but you know what I mean. She looked outstanding, emoted through the song, nailed the power notes, and totally made me her bitch again. I love this girl. She won't win, but she better make Top 6. She's 17! Jesus!

Phil looked like hell (surprise) and sang "Tobacco Road," a song I'm totally unfamiliar with and which seems like an odd fit for British Invasion night. Doesn't matter --- he was awful. Shouty, of course, but beyond that the performance was embarrassing. Literally cringe-inducing in parts. He started miming the lyrics, which is when you know you've run out of ideas and/or don't know what you're doing. And then he picked up the mic stand and ran around the stage like he was Bo freaking Bice. Phil. Please. Leave it to the professionals. You look more like my grandpa than ever trying to be "hip" like the rock stars. Phil better be in the Bottom 2 tonight. He is awful.

Gina got a very sexy new hairdo that, unfortunately, kept falling in her face during her performance of "Paint it Black." She's slowly transforming herself into Joan Jett, and it makes me concerned for the real Ms. Jett's safety. Has anyone checked Gina's closets lately? Because I can totally see her going all Single White Female. Anyway, Gina got roundly dissed by the judges but I kind of loved it. Simon criticized it as more style over substance, and she did focus more on performing the song than singing it. But you can't trash Gina for doing exactly what Blake does every week and never call him on it. That's not fair. I hope Gina sticks around a little longer. She's got a fake edge, which is infinitely better than no edge at all.

Sanjaya continued his reign of terror with "You Really Got Me." Dressed in castoffs from Jacobim Mugatu's "Derelicte" collection, he actually attacked the song with something resembling a pulse. It was gimmicky, and didn't really involve singing. But, like, this is the guy who did that hellish version of "Stepping Out," you guys. You can't deny that it wasn't at least mildly entertaining. Of course, the best part of the performance came from the camera repeatedly panning to this tween girl in the audience totally losing her shit from being so close to Sanjaya's Asexual Dreaminess. We found out later that her name is Ashley, and she had almost as much screentime as the NAMBLA posterboy himself. Ashley is the embodiment of every preteen girl in this country, and if you're wondering how Mr. Malakar is still in this thing, I say look no further than her tear-stained cheeks, ponytailed hair, and braced teeth. THAT is America, people. Can you handle it? I know I can't. The bad news is, it looks like poor J is going another week without eating...

Chris S. is dead to me after last week's fiasco, and did little to change that last night with his performance of "She's Not There." Vocally it was passable, although his voice isn't dirty enough for the growling in the chorus, and it got shouty on the big notes. But his performance consisted of him starting in the middle of the audience, ambling through it for three quarters of the song, and then getting up to the mini-stage behind the judges and picking up the mic stand, OK, and doing some lame attempt at "rocking" there for the rest. Like Phil, Chris Sligh is not a rocker. He will never be a rocker. He is a nice, boring guy who wishes he could have edge, or cred, or something like that. And when he pulls gimmicky shit like this it just drives me nuts. He's running out of tricks, and fast. I bet we'll see the a cappella performance within three weeks. What then, Sligh? Self-immolation on stage? Actually, that I could get behind...

Melinda closed out the night. Surprised? Of course you aren't. This season really has become "Melinda Doolittle and her American Idolettes." If she doesn't win...man. No justice. She picked "As Long as He Needs Me," which I'm only familiar with from "Oliver." (Was that a hit independent of the musical? Man, the ‘60s were weird...) Another perfect vocal. Thing is, Melinda always finds a way to make a song her own. And this didn't sound remotely Broadway, so major props there. I think it was Paula who told her she's already a star. And, exactly. She doesn't need this shit. On a side note: Wouldn't you love to have Melinda over for dinner sometime? I bet she'd make the best house guest, and would bring a very thoughtful hostess gift.

To sum up: Stephanie, Phil, and Gina are in trouble. Sanjaya and Haley might sneak in there, too. Stephanie or Phil will go home (probably Steph). And poor Ashley will be teased mercilessly by her peers today, but is secretly the most awesome person in the world.

Apparently America took Stephanie Edwards literally: you really didn't have to say you loved her.

Stephanie became the first distaff victim of the Top 12. Based on her performance Tuesday --- and even the week before --- it's no surprise. But when you consider that Haley Scarnato and Sanjaya will now be on the Idol tour, the world seems a little more scary.

The shock of the evening came from Stephanie's partner in the bottom two, Chris Richardson. It was another voter Perfect Storm: solid, but not stunning performance + weaker Idols in danger + assumed safety - harsh criticism = near elimination. Just ask Chris Daughtry how that works. Chris will almost certainly be in the Top 3 next week, even if he goes out on stage and just takes a dump. It's the Bounce Effect, and we saw it this week with NosPhilratu. (As an aside, Richardson looked amazing last night --- he should really wear more short-sleeved polos to show off those arms. Meaty!)

Other things of note:

-It's never explicity stated, but we can intimate from the groupings how things shook out in the voting. The top three consisted of Melinda, Blake, and Phil. As mentioned before, Phil benefitted from a lousy performance and a Bottom 2 scare last week; what we need is a mediocre showing from him next week and that bald piece of shriek is out the door. The next three included Lakisha, Jordin, and Sligh. That last one troubles me, but the grouping also shows that Lakisha's popularity is starting to wane. The near-bottom three included Sanjaya, Gina, and Haley, and for a minute I was convinced that was our actual lowest grouping, because, come on: Sanjaya and Haley. But Ryan is a trickster!

-The pimpomercial was set to "Another Saturday Night" and featured the Idols in a laundromat. Chris Sligh and Lakisha are AWFUL in these, and I'm especially surprised by Sligh because he's "Mr. Personality" or whatever. I guess he feels stupid engaging in these goofy ads. But, like, welcome to "Idol" you douchebag. It's part of the deal. If Daughtry can pull off a pink golfing outfit and not look mortified you can dance around in soap bubbles. The highlight was the amazing gymnastic performance by Melinda. Is there ANYTHING that girl can't do? She reminds me of a 40-year-old Mary Lou Retton. (And before you post: Yes. I know it was a stunt double. But wouldn't it be great if it was Melinda doing twisting double backflips?)

-I fast-forwarded through the Idol Cares portion. I do not watch this show for social relevance, and you can't make me feel bad for zoning out to its brain-numbing stupidity. It's what you expect of me. Don't flip the script now.

So the girls learn how to pose by vogueing for a man named Benny Ninja (of the East Hampton Ninjas, perhaps?) and then scurrying through a laser maze. Hey, this stuff happens to supermodels all the time, folks. They have to be prepared. Whitney wins the challenge and this obscenely overpriced charm bracelet, and I'm just happy that my little chocolate kiss is starting to make it happen.

The craptacular photo shoot concepts continue apace as this week the girls have to pose as murder victims. It is disturbing on various levels, especially for Jael, who's friend just OD'd. It's not as screwed up as forcing Kahlen to model inside an actual grave after her friend died in Cycle 4, but it's up there. The girls actually do a fairly convincing job pretending to be dead, but a crappy job showing off the clothes. Standouts include Renee, whose breakdown wasn't nearly as dramatic as I'd hoped. She does lose her shit, but there's not direct confrontations with any of the girls. Just sulking and smoking by the very dangerous wall of flames installed outside the house. Her photo is good, though, and she's chosen first. Jaslene continues to take amazing photos and she cha-chas it up for Tyra and judging, which Tyra loves. You keep on being a big ol' stereotype, and you'll be just fine, mija. The judges rave about Brittany's photo, but I hated it --- you can barely see her face. Similarly they tell Diana how awesome she looks, but I continue to think she looks like every curvy housewife out there. She has yet to take a shot that interests me at all.

The final two ended up being Dionne and Felicia. So basically, the prettiest girls in the competition. Dionne is criticized for not dressing like a model in person, and not being inventive enough on shoots. Felicia is dinged for her lackluster photo this week (ignoring the three strong photos she's taken thus far --- like that's fair), and it's unspoken but I suspect her video vixen attitude sets Tyra's teeth on edge. As do the constant comparisons to her younger self, I'm sure. Felicia is of course sent home, and that's ridiculous. But it's "Top Model." What do you want?

In other news, Tyra shows up for the fourth consecutive panel wearing a head wrap, and I am seriously wondering what is going on with her fivehead. There's gotta be some major ugly going on up in that noggin of hers.

Next week: We explore Natasha's creepy mail-order bride relationship. Awesome!