Entertainment Blog

"Idol" 2007, Part 1: Lions, soldiers, and assholes (lots of the latter)

icon By Eric Rezsnyak on Jan. 17th, 2007 at 9:11am       0 Comments

Since "American Idol" is not television programming, but rather a lifestyle choice, we're going to try something a little different during the initial auditions: liveblogging. Basically I'm just going to write down whatever I'm thinking about the episode as it happens. I've never done this before, so be gentle, dear readers.

And onward into the abyss...

We open by flashing back to that dreaded day last May. The 2006 Idol finale. Taylor Douchebag Hicks is on the stage. Why must I endure this again? He wins. Vomit. "Do I Make You Proud?" No, you make me barf, you fake-ass piece of crap.

Montage about all the wonderful things "Idol" has done for the music industry and how powerful a star-making machine it is. Pretty much everybody big gets a mention. Note: that Ruben and Fantasia kind of get the shaft, as does Clay Aiken. Guess his reign of terror is finally over. Don't worry, Clay. You'll always have Broadway. Just come out already. Like, seriously. Seacrest refers to "our" Jennifer Hudson, which is hilarious given the amount of crap she was served during her tenure in Season 3. Remember that girlfriend didn't even make it into the Top 12 on viewer votes; Randy rescued her from the pit of obscurity with his wild card slot, even going so far as to say it was "against all odds." And then: gospel jaw (Simon), comments about her weight (Simon), general indifference (viewers), allegations of racism (Elton John). She went out in, what, sixth place? Freaking John Stevens lasted longer. But she's "our" Jennifer Hudson now that she's a star. Classic. There's Chris Daughtry and Kellie Pickler. Hi, Kellie! Will someone please put her in that remake of "Hee-Haw" I keep dreaming about? Her and that pocket cowboy from last season would rock that shit....

As we arrive in Minneapolis, Minnesota (shudder) "Teenage Wasteland" plays. Well, that about sums it up. We get a brief clip of a faux cowgirl...climaxing, I guess. Seriously, she's writhing on stage. I think there might be a note in there somewhere, but this is guttural. ...This is how we're starting?

And our guest judge is JEWEL! Dammit! She cannot stop whoring her ass out. Sister had a good run in the '90s, but then she sold her soul to the devil for a Clairol commercial and has been scrambling save her career ever since. Does nobody find it a conflict of interest that she's also hosting the the country competitor to the show? I guess they don't care. Who really watches "Nashville Star"?
Our first sacrifical lamb. Her name is Jessica. She works as a beautician at the Mall of America. GREAT Minnesotan accent. This is so "Drop Dead Gorgeous," I am in heaven. (If you know not of what I speak, go rent the DVD now. You will not be sorry.) Girl is so incredibly fake when Seacrest "surprises" her with the information that her "idol" Jewel will be the guest judge today. Whatever. If Jewel is your idol, you've got bigger problems than fakeness. And one of them is your outfit. Flowy skirt with weird denim sections; whites that don't match. Yikes. And then she sings. "I Was Meant For You." Blech. Terrible nasal delivery, and she over-accentuates Jewel's weird vocal tics. This is not an homage, this is blatant aping, and a bad job of it to boot. Jewel, do not encourage this woman! She is now on the floor, on her knees, begging. This is what I hate about Idol. Get off my TV screen. Wailing sobs. WHY ARE YOU STILL ON MY TV?! She finally leaves the judging room and breaks the news to her gang. The overly tanned woman with the porcupine on her head knows she sucks. She knows. But she's saying nothing. Jessica says that she's not going to stop singing. Oh, the deluded.

Troy Benham, 24, is from Wisconsin. He says he's never seen Idol. And yet he's decided to stand in line for hours (days?) to try out for it. Shut up, Troy. You are full of it. I should pause here to describe Troy's look: Big brimmed hat, gross totally unkept beard. Dude is PASTY.  He describes it as "Urban Amish." Is he actually Amish? I sincerely doubt that. He's just a fame whore. He performs a song --- is it self-written? I assume so --- about not shutting him down. He is an asshole, and he is terrible. The judges go back and forth with him forever. "I didn't say I was great, I didn't say I was the best, I didn't say I was the next American Idol." Then why are you on my TV? Oh, yes --- so you can be on my TV. I weep for the future.

Montage: string of terrible blondes and a dude with some Pantene Pro Beautiful locks. Ryan asks rhetorically if he's the next Constantine Maroulis. God, let's hope not. I'm just getting over the case of syphilis he gave me via TV transmission two years ago. Gross.

Jesse Holloway is next. Not terribly bright, a mumbler, terrible skin. He claims he has a "unique vocal range." Oh, christ. He decides to sing a song by Celine Dion. Of course he does. Breathy and flat and terrible. He claims that he's nervous and needs some water. They let him get some and come back. WHY ARE THEY CONTINUING TO LET HIM BE ON MY SCREEN? It's so, so pointless. They go into this give and take with this dude, and he is awful. And he is stupid. And he is wasting minutes of my life. And then when he finally, finally leaves the room he pulls out the asshole card: "They don't know what they're talking about." UGH. 

Not a single talented person. We are 20 minutes in. The most entertaining part of this so far has been that every single person has tried to walk out the wrong door. Minnesota!

Monroe Moody, 26, from New York, is dressed as Apollo Creed. I guess. He's wearing an Uncle Sam robe and stars-and-stripes top hat and boxing glass. He's doing this for his nephews and nieces in foster care. The black gay men of this country need to band together and really stop this from happening. They are all over this show, and are doing a disservice to black gay men everywhere. His voice isn't terrible, but dude is singing opera on "American Idol." (Incidentally, I just noticed that Randy has gained back all the weight he lost. I feel you, Dawg.) "The fact that we're taking this seriously is actually disturbing," Simon says after it's over. SERIOUSLY, Simon. How is this entertaining?

Denise Jackson, 16, from Madison, Wisconsin describes herself as being an actual crack baby --- her mother was addicted to drugs when she was born. Cue twinkly sad music. But Denise says she feels blessed, since god gave her a voice. And oddly enough, she is not deranged. She sings "You're Gonna Love Me" from Dramgirls. Ugh. She is very loud. But not bad. Definitely not bad. Hard-luck story in tow? Yeah, she's at least to Hollywood, decent shot at Top 32. Almost no chance at Top 12. She reminds me of Janay from two years ago. But sorry to say, I see absolutely no star quality.

34 minutes and one legitimate audition. Seacrest calls it "the curse of Minneapolis." I refer to it as, "Your own damned fault for going to freaking Minnesota."

A fake PSA for Forgetting Your Words Syndrome leads us to tie-bedecked Tashawn Moore from Minneapolis. She's "singing" Prince's "Kiss." WHY ARE YOU ON MY TV? Maybe a three-note range. Keeps saying "women no girls rule my world" over and over again. There is a full-on mental crack-up on TV. When will this show learn that mental illness is not funny? She's snapping, jostling about.  She just keeps going, inventing words along the way. STOP THIS! PLEASE! THIS IS STUPID AND PAINFUL! She keeps saying "Yes" after every "No" from the judges because she just likes to hear the word "yes." Oh, girl.

A semi-hideous young woman asks Ryan Seacrest if he likes Spanish girls. BWAH HA HA! Her name is Perla Meneses, 25, originally from Columbia, lives in Florida. It's a sob story, baby. Her mouth is enormous. She's vaguely Shakira-ish. Terrible denim capris. She sings Blondie's "Call Me" and she is DEAD TO ME because she's slaughtering the song, singing with this bizarre accent. It isn't even Spanish. It sounds...Brooklyn? I don't know. Very Broadway. Sounds like she's 60. She screws up the lyrics. The judges are unimpressed, but because we have to fill two hours, ask her to sing some of "Hips Don't Lie." And...it doesn't suck at all, but is totally derivative of Shakira. Jewel says singing was in the middle. That is being kind. She gets through. I hope Debbie Harry takes the bitch out. Simon calls her "great fun." "Fun" apparently translates to "lots of screaming and mugging for the camera." Seriously, I hate her.

Cue lame-o cowboy in really goofy Safari hat and Garth Brooks shirt. Is he, like, 40? "I've got flair, I've got pizzaz. I'm so unique." He is tap-dancing on my last nerve. Matthew Volna, from Elk River, sings "Folsom Prison Blues" totally monotone. He knows the words, that's good. He is singularly awful. This is what choosing Taylor Hicks as the winner has done, America! This is what happens when you encourage losers!

Bad guy montage. Crazy man with impressions! Oh, I'm so glad I gave up my Tuesday night for this. COME ON, guys! A couple losers can be entertaining, but you've got to throw me a few bones here.

Bald Navy guy. The crew went out to the battleship USS Ronald Reagan to film this dude's bit? I'm embarrassed for everyone involved. The entire crew did an American Idol competittion on his battleship. He's "defending our freedom." Sure he is. Finally he sings Rascall Flats' "God Bless the Broken Road." He is screaming, and adds "H"s into everythying. He also looks constipated when he sings. Great future in Christian music for him. His name is Jared or something --- I  missed his chyron because I was literally wincing. He has no chance of making it past Hollywood. Or, if he does, it is solely because of the soldier connection. And I'm really not cool with that.

More montages of badness: Stupid girl bobbing around to "Fever" (why do people always sing that song?) Big girl does "If I Was King of the Forest" like the Cowardly Lion. In truth, she kind of looks like Burt Larr. She has made a visual aide. WHY ARE YOU WASTING MY TIME?! 

Stephen Horst is a vocal teacher. He instructs his students to "live in the moment" and "tell the story." He is a chud. He sings Aerosmith's "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing." Vomit. He breaks out a pitch pipe. Vomit again. It's so corny-ass Broadway. All vibrato and shouty. I don't think he knows what dynamics are, and when he hits those high notes --- terrifying. He reveals that he is a Disney World performer! Hilarious. I could not have made that up. Simon is needling Randy and the chud. I love it when he does that. Simon is not being enough of an asshole this season. That's what I need. "What are we doing here?" Exactly Randy. Stop wasting my time.

Michelle Steingas sings "If This is Love" by Deanna Carter. She's adorable, a little pageantish in her moves. Simon describes her as being "confident without being irritatingly precocious." That's fair. Ringer for third-rate actress Rachel Blanchard. She is cute, though. Decent shot at Top 32.

Montage of assholes who got fired for trying out for American Idol. You bought your tickets, idiots.

Speaking of work, the very mannish-looking Dayna Dooley had her boss fly her and her sister out to try out for this. That is...not right. Sister straight-up looks like a dude in drag. The judges rib her for screwing the boss, which she adamantly denies. I think it's a fair point. She sings Chaka Khan's "Tell Me Somethin' Good." Good christ, what are the noises coming out of this person? Screechy. No melody. Seems legitimately confused. Her boss Gary is now in the room, getting dressed down. She sings "Fever" again! Much better singing in front of boss. Goddamn Jewel drops the word "lascivious" on Simon. Pretentious hag.

Matt Sato is 16 and has a big ol' zit or birthmark on his shnozz. He is also adorable and very, very gay. I hope he knows this, because otherwise he's going to have a rough time of it. He sings...something. I don't know. It's very Broadway. If possible, he gets gayer as he sings. Oh, Matt. He gets through, probably because Minnesota sucks so bad in general. He has a shot --- but not a great one --- at Top 32. He is now crying to his mom on his cellphone. His parents wouldn't come with him. He drops to the floor and says "She's proud of me!" Kid has massive family issues. Hugs, Matt. Hugs.

More soldiers! Jesus. Rachel Jenkins, is an Army Reservist, and her husband is currently stationed in Baghdad. She sings the traditional hymn "His Eye is On the Sparrow." Well, that's totally appropriate for Idol. Beautiful voice, actually. Needs to watch the pitch. She'll get cut in Hollywood, unless the Idol producers can't find any other hard-luck candidates. But I'll say it now: I'm getting sick real fast of the soldiers. This is more of that gross faux patriotism that made me so uncomfortable after 9/11. She is charming, though.

Sarah Krueger of Wisconsin sings "Somewhere Over the Rainbow." Stunning girl. Beautiful voice. She is trying to be the new Kat McPhee. And lady, I know Kat McPhee. So you'd better work it. But I like her. I'm saying Top 32, easy. Would like to hear her try something poppy. She could be overly serious.
And then we have Jason Anderson, 16. He brings spinning sticks into the audition, and uses them as he sings some stupid song I don't know. Terrible. Weak. Whimpering. Off-key. Simon tells him he is "useless at everything. Even the juggling was pathetic." This is an accurate assessment. To prove them wrong, Jason then juggles...and drops the stick. The other judges try to get him on Simon's "America's Got Talent." "Your future involves not singing," Simon explains. Again, very fairly and calmly. And then Jason dances the lamest soft-shoe ever. Wasting. My. Time. Cut to outside the judging room, and Jason comes out and screams obscenities. This boy is cracking up. He is a freak. He is going to be a belltower assassin. He actually says the following "I'm 16 year olds and I wanted to start out famous!" His mom (I'm assuming) says, "You'll be famous." And that? Right there? Is what is so screwed up about America. And this show. Why can't I be watching actually talented people?
Well, because there's Brenna. That's why. Let's meet Brenna. Brenna is a big girl. She has fried, bad blond hair. A frumpy-ass black outfit. And fingerless gloves. Imagine Ally Sheedey from The Breakfast Club with a bad dye job and maybe 50 extra pounds, and you're getting close. Brenna tells us that by even auditioning for Idol she's "living my dream." Oh, girl. "The biggest fan should be the one to be the American Idol." Brenna identifies herself as an Idol super-fan, and refers to Idol as BFF. Why do I fear that she's being serious there? Her favorite contestant ever is Ace Young. Of course he is. She claims to have met him a couple of times, and he "drew her a tattoo" of a heart. Everyone says she's intimidating, so she wears heart on her sleeve. I think Brenna has a very rich fantasy life. She sings "Under Pressure" by David Bowie and Queen. Dogs are shrieking. It is physically hard to bear. I hope she watches this and has a very confronting introduction to reality. She says she's had 10 years of vocal training, and doesn't understand why nobody told her 10 years ago that she wasn't good. She says she has a degree in vocal performance. I'm going to go out on a limb here, and suggest that maybe they did, but that somehow Brenna didn't hear them. Just a hunch. After the post-interview with Seacrest, Brenna will not leave. She lingers in the camera frame, a grim reminder of what this show has become. Hollywood week cannot come fast enough.

Finally we have Josh Flom, 20, from Wisconsin. He is really gangly and should really do something about his sraggly hair. He compares himself to Chris Daughtry and then does that super-affected growl thing that is so popular with rock bands these days. It's so tiresome. You can tell that's not his actual voice, and that he's just laying it on to sound "cool." Which is precisely what they tell him. He's kind of a spazz, and I'm kind of pulling for him. They request him to sing something other than modern rock and he does "Dancing Queen" and then "Copacabana" --- both with that heavy affectation. He does not get through. But he takes it really well. Not coincidentally, he's the only person to leave the audition room through the right door. I kind of love that little spazz.

17 people got through to Hollywood. We saw, what, seven of them? And most of those people weren't very good. Two hours of my life for this?! I am half tempted to not bother watching until Hollywood week, when you get much better singing and a much more concentrated dose of dreams being destroyed. But I have a responsibility to report on this, so I will suffer for my art.
Next: Seattle brings out the freaks. Sigh.

"Idol" 2007, Part 2: The very definition of "Hot mess"

icon By Eric Rezsnyak on Jan. 18th, 2007 at 7:15pm       0 Comments

We’re in Seattle. More than 9,000 screaming idiots came out. Jesus. Lots of clips about how it’s raining. In Seattle! Whodathunkit?!

Our first audition of the night is another asshole dressed up like Uncle Sam. Did I miss a memo or something? Is there some weird trend or fetish I’m unaware of? How is it that two seemingly unconnected contestants try to pull the exact same gimmick two nights in a row? And one so random. Anyway, we actually know this chud. It’s the police officer who sang "I Shot the Sheriff" last year, notable for rigidly obeying the song’s pauses for loooong seconds of stone silence. He was awful then, and is now doubly awful because he's in some stupid outfit. His name is Brandon Groves, he is 26, and from Wheeling, WV. He’s singing “God Bless America.” Of course he is. Chud. It’s off-key, weak-ass singing. He also reeks of desperation. He got a taste of notoriety last year, and will do anything to be on TV again. Thanks for wasting my time. As he leaves after being summarily dismissed, Paula notes, "next year he'll be dressed as an Indian chief." Well, there’s something to look forward to.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, "The Hotness." Change one letter in that word, and you’ve pretty much got it: hot mess. OK, have you ever seen the John Waters classic “Crybaby”? The Hotness gives Hatchetface a run for her money. It is gruesome, indeed: fried hair, a distorted double chin, some kind of growths on her face, lips that look like over-cooked sausages, the most atrocious fake tan ever. Her given name is Jennifer Chapton, and she compares her vocal range to Mariah Carey’s. So lets add “delusional” to that list as well. She starts to sing with gum still in her mouth. Classy. Simon motions to the wall of past Idols behind her and instructs her to "stick it on Taylor's face or something." YES! PLEASE STICK IT ON TAYLOR’S FACE! After a million years of her bullshit intro, we finally get to the singing, and it is as foul as the singer. Her song is “Give Me Your Love.” Ew, no. She makes these weird orgasm noises during the song, and somehow manages to not actually sing different pitches even though she’s clearly trying to. It’s oddly fascinating. Simon gives her the obligatory dismissal, and she responds that his opinion “don't mean nuttin... Whatchyou know about music? I've never heard you do a demo." She tries to sing something else, closing her eyes to ignore the judges literally screaming at her to stop. This girl is straight up the most hideous thing I've ever seen. Finally she leaves. God.

Montage of Simon shitting on people. It leads us to Amy Salgado, she of the way over-tweezed eyebrows. Amy’s husband told her that she's wasting her time. Probably not a good sign. Her son, Armando, is 6 and tells her to go for it. Again, not a good sing. "Singing kept me going everyday." Yeah. This chick has massive self-esteem issues. I really kind of hope she sucks, and then sees this, so she can have a much-needed introduction to reality. She’s singing Christina Aguilera’s "Reflection," the song that made me love Ayla “Robbed” Brown last season. The voice is thin, and there’s no discernible melody. Clued into the fact that she sucks, she informs everyone that she has a cold. Excuses, excuses, excuses with the people. She needs a drink of water. Of course she does. Why do they let the people get drinks of water this season? Like they're going to suddenly not suck? What a waste of time. She tries again. I can't even recognize the song. Simon is being vicious, but so would I if I had to listen this stupid, delusional girl and hundreds exactly like her.

Another montage of The Bad: overly tanned blondes. Kind of cute guy screaming "Die Die Die" over and over. The most boring man in America sings "Over the Rainbow."

"My name is Darwin Reedy, but people call me Mischa."

And that’s pretty much all you need to know about Darwin. Or Mischa. Whatever. Allow me to paint a picture: Unkempt platinum blonde hair. Bright red, poorly applied lipstick. A wrinkled, gold satin top with no bra whatsoever. Black skirt, black leggings, white tennis shoes. She refers to her look as "sexy." She tells the judges that she’s written a novel about a televised singing competition. That’s maybe the saddest thing ever. Darwin/Mischa says she’s been watching the show since Season 1, and her mom encouraged her to audition. And hey, let’s bring mom in. She’s a dead ringer for her daughter in a dark wig, right down to the whore lipstick. Mom believes in her talent very much, but she’s a mom. That’s what they do. And, apparently, this one also helps her daughter write Idol fanfic. Sigh. Anyway, Darwin/Mischa will perform "Dontcha" by the Pussycat Dolls. In monotone, apparently, while swaying arhythmically. After getting some pretty softball dismissals, she sings "Sweet Home Alabama." It sounds exactly like "Dontcha." Funny, that. Simon tells her it was appalling. Mom says she's nervous. Darwin agrees, and says she should have warmed up first. Well, it’s not like it’s a singing competition or anything, lady.

MORE RAIN! In Seattle! This is very compelling television!

Finally, someone with promise. Tommy Daniels, 21, Portland. He is a very handsome young man, great smile, gorgeous afro, a little chunk that he wears very well. He says "American Idol is my elevator to the top," and admits that last night he slept behind trash cans to audition. He sings "Arms of a Woman" by Amos Lee. He has a pleasant, soulful voice. But I'm not sure he necessarily has star quality. Paula calls it soothing, and that’s exactly what it is. Soothing, but not terribly exciting. He gets through.

Melissa Stavros has the oddest body shape I’ve ever seen. Her body is like three ties larger than her head. Very odd weight distribution. She is bubbly and personal, and sings Xtina’s "I Turn to You." She's not terrible, but also not great, and totally blows with the upper register and melisma. She doesn’t make it through, but takes it well. Her very odd-looking friends are with her. She seems sweet.

Blake Lewis looks like Steven from Season 1 of Top Chef, except younger and cuter. His hair is frosted and shellacked to stand straight up. He’s got on a dandy little shirt and tie combo under a track jacket. He does some fantastic beatboxing, and then sings a bit of Seal's "Crazy." It's...OK. Not nearly as good as his beat-boxing. He's very gimmicky, but has a sweet voice. Needs to focus more on the vocals but in general he's pretty good. The first person thus far with a legitimate shot to make the Top 12. After getting his golden ticket he goes to see his dad, who is like the world’s sweetest dad. And his son loves him dearly. I kind of love Blake.

Ryan makes a reference to "the talent vacuum that is Seattle." And, seriously. A woman falls to the floor growling "Stand By Me" Two awful people butcher "The Way You Make Me Feel." Another just destroys "Stand By Me" To quote the great Rodney Dangerfield, the last time I saw a mouth like that it had a hook in it.

Now it’s time for this season’s sibling team, brother and sister Shyamali and Sanjaya Malakar. They’re the kids of a classically trained Indian musicians. Shyamali, 19, is first, and chooses "Summertime" from Porgy & Bess. The song is way too big for her voice, which is very light and sweet. But she sings well. No connection to the judges whatsoever. She's VERY nervous. But I like her. Brother Sanjaya, 17, has a HUGE smile on his face and a lot of swish. He is desperately in need of a haircut. He sings "Signed, Sealed, Delivered" by Stevie Wonder. Good tenor voice, but fairly slight too. These kids are shy. They need to let loose and they could do OK. That said, they’re the first two I’m actively rooting for to make the Top 12.

Back to the holding pens. A guy holds up a phone reading "Trapped in Hell. Please help me." You did it to yourself, jackass.

Meet Nick Zitzmann, the very best argument against home schooling. Nick is from Utah and refers to himself as a computer programmer and self-taught musician. His hair parted right down the middle. He’s got the Napoleon Dynamite mouth going --- perpetually open, lower lip just flopping about. Sharp, beady eyes. He was encouraged to come out by his coworkers, who heard his instrumental work. His coworkers hate his guts and want to see him humiliated on national TV. Trust me, I went to high school with multiple Nick Zitzmanns. Nick identifies himself as a leader who can “project himself real well and keep on key.” "I'm a lot different from a lot of other people." Well, that's true. He starts in on "Unchained Melody." He sways psychotically through the first verse, which is dull and unremarkable. Once he hits the high notes The Bad starts to happen. He is shouting! Screeching! Please stop this! Paula is plugging her ears. She looks like she's been assaulted. I have been assaulted. It's very confronting. "What the bloody hell was that?" Simon asks. "It was me. Was that not good enough?" Nick answers. After getting the boot, Nick hovers in the waiting area, eyes darting all over the place. He is a deeply disturbed young man. I fear for the people of Utah.

Now, Rudy Cardenas. He is very charismatic, but unfortunately not very cute. He's singing “Open Arms” by Journey and thus immediately gains my undying love. He is good. He over-exaggerates everything, but this is Idol, so that’s kind of the deal. Simon says no. Paula says yes. Randy says yes. He gets through.

Seven got through day one. Ouch.

And here comes the portion of the program where we make fun of the mentally ill. These people are aren’t very smart! Or socially adjusted! And if we mock them, they won’t even get it! Isn’t that awesome? Meet Kenneth and Jonathan. The two of them were strangers who met in line and became friends. By “accident,” I'm sure. No producers at work here! It’s the same shtick as those kids who loved Hasselhoff or whatever last year. Kenneth is first. He is a tiny man with scraggly facial hair and very large, very pronounced eyes. He keeps calling Randy “dawg.” Stop that, Kenneth. Do not encourage him. Kenneth says that he’s been compared to Justin Timberlake and all the boy bands. Along those lines, he performs "Tearing Up My Heart," even busting out the same lameass moves from the video. I'm not sure he's actually singing, so much as speaking in rhythm. Kenneth says that he knows he's the next American Idol. Simon begs to differ, and says that he looks like “a creature that lives in the jungle, a bushbaby.” Paula says Simon's sick, and then says that she loves the kid and encourages him to keep trying. That’s ultimately 10 times meaner than anything Simon could have said. And then it’s Jonathan’s turn. Jonathan is a large man and has no neck. He’s kind of the human equivalent of Christ from “Family Guy.” He says he can win because he’s "different…and I have an amazing personality." He sings "God Bless America" (again, did I miss a memo?) and he shouts and is all crazy vibrato. He's actually better than I thought he'd be. He’s cut without any reason and is given absolutely no constructive criticism. I hope the judges took a shower after that, because they just used that kid worse than a $3 hooker.

Another montage of badness leads us to Eric Chapman (“age 28???”), a silver-tressed hairdresser who claims he’s Taylor Hicks’ long-lost twin. If there's anything more nauseating than the real Taylor Hicks it's a fake Taylor Hicks. I’m not unconvinced that he didn’t die his own hair silver. He says that he’s not trying to emulate Taylor. “If I portray him, I’m just me.” Except by definition it’s not. He walks in screaming "Soul Patrol," and then, quizzically, "Twist Train." No idea. He sings "Drift Away," the song of choice for pompous karaoke practitioners everywhere. He is shouty, and looks very angry when singing. He is just yelling. He is making Erics everywhere look bad, and I resent that. Simon asks if he's drunk. After being dismissed, he tries to fix Simon's hair, and the bodyguards run in FAST. Paula: "There are troubled people here." Straight up, lady. Straight up.

Anna Kearns is a giantess. She keeps saying she’s 6’7”, although she admits that that’s only in heels (she’s regularly 6’4” --- isn’t that enough for you, woman?). Anna also needs to hose, as her legs are badly scarred.

She's trying out to prove that "tall people can be singers too." I…was unaware that was ever in dispute. She sings Aretha Franklin’s "Respect." It's serviceable, but that's it. Decent bar karaoke. Really shouty in the chorus. No chance of getting past Hollywood. Simon calls her very cabaret, and he’s right (as usual). Paula and Randy "love" her. That's a very strong reaction. She gets through.

Jordin Sparks, 16, looks at least 23. She also looks identical to Season 2’s Kimberly Locke. She’s singing "Because You Love Me" by Celine Dion. She’s got a decent shot at the Top 12: Really strong voice, maybe the best we've seen so far. There is a nasal quality, but I don’t care. She's a gorgeous young woman, very fresh looking, great personality. Star quality.

Seven more get through on day two. That’s 14 out of 9,000. That’s pretty sad.

And again we end with the crazy: Big Red. He looks like a mountain man, frizzy red hair pulled back into a ponytail and a mouth full of jagged teeth. He says nobody from this show has inspired him, as he’s only seen one or two eps. He rolls his eyes. He is insane. He’s trying out because “Not that many redheads you see on TV this day in age. I look like Carrot Top but I'm way cooler than him." Sadly for Carrot Top, Big Red is probably right on that last one. He says he's as good as Freddie Mercury, and to prove it he sings "Bohemian Rhapsody." Well, squeaks. The guy can't even get half the notes out, it sounds like he’s being strangled. He just keeps going even though they're blatantly laughing at him. He says he's out of practice, and honestly seems convinced that he could win the competition with some practice. He asks Simon to train him. Simon declines the offer. Big Red starts to just ramble. Simon calls him ridiculous. Not as ridiculous as the fact that you made me watch him.

And then, THE DOOR RETURNS! As the final auditioner leaves the judging room they run right into the locked door. That's the best part of these auditions. Can I vote for the door? Go door!

Seacrest: "Seattle. Done." Thank god. Next we go to Memphis, where actual talented people live.

"Grey's Anatomy": Daddy issues

icon By Enisha Cray on Jan. 19th, 2007 at 9:03am       0 Comments

As the season rolls on, emotions run high on "Grey's Anatomy." Last night George discovered the truth about his father's surgery --- that the doctors performed it, at his dad's request, knowing that there was almost no chance he would survive it --- and flew off the handle, as expected. It was a dramatic scene as he yelled at both Dr. Bailey and the chief in regards to their lack of frankness with him. McSteamy wasn't quite so...steamy, as he showed a softer side of himself while expressing sadness, uncertainty and regret over Addison aborting his baby a year ago. But I've got to say, it was a little hard to believe that an ass like him would keep those feelings masked for so long.

It seems Dr.Burke's tremors are a thing of the past, and he and Christina's childish but cute game of silence appears to be nearing its end as well. My prediction is that Christina will loose this one --- the stubborn always do. Meredith and Izzy actually worked up the guts to conquer their uncertainties. Meredith finally took the first step toward getting to know her father, after Christina and Izzy pointed out their many similarities.  Izzy finally stood up to Dr. Bailey and has begun accepting the fact that she is an emotionally attached surgeon without apology. This was a major relief, since she was beginning to get a bit pathetic and her behavior lasted far longer than anyone could take it.

Although the episode was filled with lows --- in particular the death of Mr. O'Malley and George's joining of the "dead dads club" along with Christina --- there was one major high point: the ignition of the fire that is Addison and Alex. It's on and no one can put it out!

"Scrubs": The musical

icon By Susie Hume on Jan. 19th, 2007 at 9:10am       0 Comments

I always get nervous when I hear that one of my favorite television shows is doing a musical episode. Don't get me wrong --- I love musicals. It's just that sometimes the musical episode is a signifier that the writers have run out of material and it often goes horribly wrong. But, on rare occasion the stars align and the show can be absolutely hilarious, as in the case of the "Scrubs: My Musical" episode last night. Not since the musical episode of "Buffy" (pure genius) has a show so cleverly pulled it off.

The producers made the right choice by hiring Robert Lopez and Jeff Marx to write the music and lyrics. These are the guys behind the Tony Award-winning musical "Avenue Q" (the one where the puppets sing dirty songs). Their contribution became glaringly obvious as the song "Everything Comes Down to Poo" started to play, sung by JD (Zach Braff) and Turk (Donald Faison), a song about stool samples (yes, you read that right). In most cases, a song about poo could only be bad --- really bad --- but somehow they pulled it off and I was laughing hysterically as they recited every poo cliché in the book.

Sure, some of the actors can't sing; Elliot (Sarah Chalke) was particularly bad. But somehow it just didn't ruin the moment. On the other hand, Faison is quite good and Braff holds his own, so their number "Guy Love" is that much better. With the way Broadway seems to be popping out musicals of everything under the sun (including "Legally Blonde: The musical" --- seriously, it's coming), I wouldn't be surprised if "Scrubs: The Musical" pops up on a marquee someday.

"Housewives": I just can't turn away

icon By Susie Hume on Jan. 22nd, 2007 at 7:21am       0 Comments

After the atrocious second season of Desperate Housewives wrapped up, I vowed never to turn the show on again. But then I started reading all these articles about how the show had brought in new writers, that they recognized what a joke Season 2 had become and that Season 3 would be different. And quite frankly, I got suckered into watching again. The first half of Season 3 ended and I once again vowed that I was done with the show. And yet here I am still watching. It's like the old cliché of the train wreck that you just can't look away from.

What I loved about the first season of Desperate Housewives was the witty banter, the slightly exaggerated (yet somehow reality-based) characters, and that it was a parody of  --- and homage to --- soap operas. Unfortunately, tonight's episode has proven that there is sparse humor left and that the show has become the thing it set out to make light of : a soap opera. The rape of Orson by Alma tonight really cemented it. And Gaby and Zach as a probable couple? C'mon! The show has completely left the realm of black comedy and moved into the twisted fantasy-land of Susan Lucci and her gang.

Not to mention, where's the mystery this season? And don't tell me it's the whole Orson, Alma and his mother deal --- BORING! Season 1 had a great ongoing mystery, and even Season 2, as awful as it was, tried to uphold that premise.  With no mystery and no comedy I'm sorry to say it, but Desperate Housewives has become just a superficial shell of its former self.

With that being said, check back next week for my thoughts on the show, because you know (and I hate to admit this) that no matter how absurd it gets, I just can't look away.

"Heroes": Give Hiro his damn sword already!

icon By Eric Rezsnyak on Jan. 22nd, 2007 at 8:45pm       0 Comments

NBC's "Heroes" began the second half of its first season last night in predictably excellent fashion. It wasn't as exciting as some of the earlier episodes, or even the crackerjack fall season finale. But for an episode basically designed to bring newbies up to speed and remind established watchers of our expansive cast of characters and their abilities, it actually got a lot of things done. To wit:

-Hiro began his sword quest. We know that, eventually, Hiro will get himself the must-have accessory for any hero-in-training, the samurai sword. The "future Hiro" who visited Peter on the subway back in, like, episode 3 had one, and Isaac painted Hiro facing off against a dinosaur with one during one of his future-vision things. I got worried for a second last night when Hiro and Ando made way for the Museum of Natural History in NYC (getting a lot of play in the showbiz lately, between this and that Ben Stiller flick; I prefer the Met) and rather easily seemed to find the sword in question in one of the exhibits. Thankfully it was all a red herring. The sword Hiro took was a fake, and real one is owned by --- wouldn't you know it? --- The Linderman Group. And so Hiro's quest begins anew, and he's tied in to the man who one way or another is connected to all the heroes we've met. Also of note: The scabbard on this ancient sword features the same symbol that's on Nikki's back when she's Bad Nikki, and which Isaac painted repeatedly. Ando says it's a combination of two Japanese characters, one meaning gift from god and the other meaning something else I can't remember. I love Easter Eggs like that. Anyway, let's see Hiro jump to the past, get this crazy Japanese sword, and fight some dinos. Yee-haw!

-The Claire plotline is breaking my heart. As she explained to Memory Eater Guy (they really need to give him a name), everything in her life up until now has been fake and she needs something real that's hers. And so, even as she lies to her father by claiming to have lost all the memories of her abilities, she reaches out to ex-friend Zack, who Memory Eater Guy whammied for real. The rest of the episode is Claire trying to convince Zack that she's not crazy and to reestablish a friendship with him that she desperately needs right now. And I'll tell you what, that Hayden Panettiere is a damn fine little actress. The acting on this show is generally so-so, but she's fantastic. I'm curious where this story is going, though, since the actor who plays Zack was cast to star in the new Terminator TV show.

-I'm generally a huge fan of the Nikki/Jessica character, but this jail thing just bores me. We know she'll get out of it. The only thing that interested me last night was that she no longer needs reflective surfaces to trigger her personality switches; she's even doing them in front of other people. And also, it seemed like it was Nikki --- not Jess --- who used super strength to snap that guard's baton. I wonder if she's going to be able to assimilate the Jess persona into her own, and just be straight-up super strong all the time. Hey, it worked for the Hulk for a good while!

-Mohinder: Zzzzz...

-The Petrelli clan: Peter spent almost the entire episode in a coma, reliving the future visions from last episode over and over again. And I think the writers realized Nathan was coming off as too much of an ass, hence the touchy-feely bedside scenes with Pete. But then again I wonder, Nathan knows that Peter thinks he's the bomb that goes off, and Nathan seemed very interested by Hiro's take that a "villain" was responsible for the bomb and needs to be stopped. Could Nate be planning to kill his own brother, albeit to save the world?

-Isaac: Sure does clean up good. But now that he's clean and can access his abilities, he's more of a plot device than legitimate character. The whole love triangle with him, Peter, and Simone doesn't interest me in the least, since Simone is the only character on the show more boring than Mohinder.

-Sylar: How'd they get him back in that cage after the Eden death match?

-Two new heroes: From what little we saw, we have Dude Who Explodes (there goes my theory that it was Radiation Roy's powers that Pete will absord to make him 'splode) and The Invisible Jackass. I'm sure he'll get fleshed out more next episode, but Invisible Jackass' character is nearly identical to the crazy subway guy from "Ghost" who taught Patrick Swayze how to interact with the physical world. Think about it and you'll see I'm right.

Oscar noms in!

icon By Eric Rezsnyak on Jan. 23rd, 2007 at 11:23am       2 Comments

And here they are:

Best Picture: "Babel," "The Departed," "Letters From Iwo Jima," "Little Miss Sunshine," "The Queen."

Eric's pick: No idea; I'm just glad that "Dreamgirls" wasn't nominated. It speaks highly of the Academy that it ignored the hype and saw the movie for what it is: a plooding, dull, cliché fest. And the music isn't very good, either.


Best Actor: Leonardo DiCaprio, "Blood Diamond"; Ryan Gosling, "Half Nelson"; Peter O'Toole, "Venus"; Will Smith, "The Pursuit of Happyness"; Forest Whitaker, "The Last King of Scotland."

Eric's pick: Whitaker is pretty much a sure thing for his turn as Idi Amin, but it's nice to see Gosling recognized for the under-appreciated "Half Nelson."

Best Actress: Penelope Cruz, "Volver"; Judi Dench, "Notes on a Scandal"; Helen Mirren, "The Queen"; Meryl Streep, "The Devil Wears Prada"; Kate Winslet, "Little Children."

Eric's pick: Little-known fact: "Mirren" means "Oscar winner" in Swahili. In any event, I'm glad Streep wasn't overlooked for "Prada." She was killer in a really fun, satisfying flick.

Best Supporting Actor: Alan Arkin, "Little Miss Sunshine"; Jackie Earle Haley, "Little Children"; Djimon Hounsou, "Blood Diamond"; Eddie Murphy, "Dreamgirls"; Mark Wahlberg, "The Departed."

Eric's pick: Tough crowd to pick from. It'll probably go to Murphy, but I'd rather see Hounsou or Wahlberg, who constantly surprise me with how good they are.

Best Supporting Actress: Adriana Barraza, "Babel"; Cate Blanchett, "Notes on a Scandal"; Abigail Breslin, "Little Miss Sunshine"; Jennifer Hudson, "Dreamgirls"; Rinko Kikuchi, "Babel."

Eric's pick: I'm a Hudson fan from her "Idol" days, so that would be sweet (and is a pretty good bet). Besides, she was the real lead actress in that movie. I don't care what Beyonce's manager says.

Best Director: Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu, "Babel"; Martin Scorsese, "The Departed"; Clint Eastwood, "Letters From Iwo Jima"; Stephen Frears, "The Queen"; Paul Greengrass, "United 93."

Eric's pick: Just give it to Scorsese, if only to end his decades-long pity party.

What do you think? You can vote for your favorites as part of City's Oscar contest, in conjunction with the George Eastman House's Academy Awards party. Head to one of our pub nights at Woody's on Thursday nights (starting January 25) to pick up a ballot.

"Idol" 2007, Part 3: Loud is the new good

icon By Eric Rezsnyak on Jan. 23rd, 2007 at 11:26pm       0 Comments

So, the live-blogging kicked my ass. Like, hours of my life. Gone. And it made for realllllly long blogs. We can't have that. And so, a new format for your "Idol" speculation: The good, the "good," and the good for television.

So, Memphis:
THE GOOD:
-Melinda Doolittle, professional back-up singer. Melinda does not necessarily have the look for "Idol" --- she looks much older than she is, and has an older type of sound to match. But man, can she sing. She did Stevie's "For Once in My Life," and it was so easy and breezy that it barely seemed like work at all. But it clearly is work, because girl was hella nervous, and that doesn't bode well. Just ask Camille Velasco. Who? Exactly; see Season 3. Her back story could work for her, though, as you can already see Simon constructing this little backup-singer-steals-the-limelight story into a Rolling Stone profile or something.
-Dani McCulloch. At first glance, Dani has The Package. A Kimberly Caldwell sexiness that's not quite slutty. But then she smiles and it's not quite right -- I think it's something with her chin shape. But her voice is decent/very decent, with a bluesy quality that she knows how to use in all the right ways. I couldn't help feeling like she was holding back, though, and that'll kill her in Hollywood Week. Love her haircut.

THE "GOOD": 
-Simon fairly shat himself over Sundance Head (his actual name), a big bear of a man who happens to be the son of one-time chart-topper Roy Head. Sundance sings --- nay, bellows --- a Bobby Blue Band song. And clearly he has talent, but I just thought he was trying too hard. REALLY LOUD. Cowell actually told him he'd be stunned if he didn't make the final two, and while I usually agree with Simon, I think he's way off here. America is aggressively ambivalent about blues music, and that's what Sundance is. (I would LOVE to hear this guy on disco week. Heh.) Yeah, they voted for Hicks, but a) he wasn't really blues, just a poseur and b) he was a self-promoting jackass, and Sundance seems way too laid back for that shit. Plus, that goatee. I'm just saying.
-Phil Stacy introduces himself by explaining, "I'm feeling a little tired today because my wife called me at 4 a.m. and woke me up to tell me she'd had our second baby." And seriously, if people weren't horrified by that statement, we've got problems. He is completely comfortable with the decision that trying out for a ridiculous talent show that he has no chance of winning is more important than being there for his wife while she goes through the pain of labor to birth his child. The guy is clearly a narcissist. Added bonus: He sucks. Simon says he doesn't know how to start a song. I counter that he only knows how to shout in an overly nasal tone. They let this guy through but dissed the overexcited cheerleader guy? Paula's not the only one who's drunk. This chud better go early in Hollywood, because he only got through based on his sob story --- a really f'ed-up one at that. (Also, his baby? Not cute.)

THE GOOD FOR TELEVISION:
-Robert Lee Holmes, who claims to both love Elvis and yet know only one song of his, does a predictably awful job of "Burnin' Love" while wiggling around in a suit five sizes too big for him. After the judges shoot him down, Robert looks genuinely hurt and confused. Robert is not all there, mentally. And that whole sequence was really uncomfortable.
-Tameka Simms, the long-lost sister of Mushmouth. I cannot place that girl's accent at all, but it sounded more like bloops and bleeps coming out of her mouth than actual words when she tackled Ashanti. (And really, Ashanti? Who sings Ashanti?) Tameka has wild eyes, and I wonder if maybe she has rabies. That could explain her lack of elocution, right?
-King of the Sad Sacks Topher McCain, 28, whose wife left him after he caught her jeepin' with other guys (presumably), then took her back, and then broke it off after he found out she still wanted other guys. Do not feel sympathy for Topher, however. Because he's 1) obesessed with Paula Abdul; 2) deluded enough to think he actually has a chance of winning this competition; 3) gives the swishiest, most pathetic performance of Kenny Loggins' "Footloose" you have ever seen; and 4) proceeds to badmouth Paula after she was nothing but nice to him in his audition. Boo, Topher. Do not shit on Paula. If we lose her we're stuck with Marie Osmond, and nobody wants that.

I'd love to close by mentioning the unspeakable horror of Alexis' H.R. Geiger-esque brace face, but that would be cruel. See you tomorrow in New York, where at least one girl has a full on break with reality, weeping and screaming as she screams "I'm unique! I'm an original!" Ah, it's good to be on home turf again.

"Top Chef": Left with leftovers

icon By Eric Rezsnyak on Jan. 24th, 2007 at 9:40pm       0 Comments

After last night's episode there's a good chance I'll be skipping next week's finale. I've followed the show since the first episode of the season, but I simply don't care who wins at this point. In a shocker of an elimination, Elia and Sam --- my best guesses for winner since the beginning --- got cut, leaving us with Ilan and Marcel. So basically, jackass vs. jackass. Who am I supposed to be rooting for here?

Marcel was an obvious choice. It's a cardinal rule of reality TV that your "villain" makes it to the final episode. But picking Ilan over Sam or Elia smacks of the producers deliberately manufacturing drama at the end. Up until this episode Elia had been Marcel's sole ally on the show (more on that in a minute), and Sam is a first-class pussy and likely wouldn't have engaged Marcel at all. That leaves us with Ilan, who, for me at least, actually stole the asshat off of Marcel's head a few weeks back during the "seven deadly sins" challenge. I'd liked Ilan up until then, even if he was petty and catty at times. But he really soured my opinion when he badmouthed Marcel's food to their guests, and then proceeded to lead the We Hate Marcel fan club for the rest of the season. He's done a lot of shitty things to the kid, not the least of which was his participation in the infamous near-head-shaving last episode. I'm sure the two of them will hiss at one another all throughout the finale, but I don't like either of them, so I really couldn't care less.

One more note: Ilan further pissed me off with his 11th hour coupe attempt, in which he goaded Elia into interrupting the actual elimination at Judges' Table to assert that Marcel should go home because he had been cheating the whole time. We're given no proof to back this up, but Ilan and Sam both encourage Elia to speak up (Sam, of course, backs down --- he really is a coward), and then when the time comes, Ilan (I believe) starts, and then leaves Elia to twist in the wind by not backing up her allegations of foul play. Real classy move, guy. The whole thing did give us the best moment of the episode, however, as head judge Colicchio literally rolled his eyes in disgust when he saw the pathetic move being played. Colicchio can be a bit of a shit, but if you had to put up with this crew, you would be too.

"Idol" 2007, Part 4: Even cowgirls get the blues

icon By Eric Rezsnyak on Jan. 24th, 2007 at 10:32pm       2 Comments

We're in New York, and predictably get the best crop of talent thus far. Somehow this two-hour episode went by quicker than all of the previous three combined. Probably because we had some genuine contenders in the mix.

THE GOOD:
Jenry Bejarano says he's 16, but he looks like a 20something to me. And also, a male model. Disgustingly handsome, and a nice voice to boot. Best part: He's totally, adorably humble (or at least fakes it well), and is clearly over-the-moon about his adoptive mom. Awww! Total ringer for Top 12.
Jory Steinberg is 25 and originally from Canada, where I'm guessing she was a child performer of some kind because she name drops like crazy (without managing to drop any actual names. Weird). She is obnoxious and full of herself, but you know what? She's got the talent to back it up. She's absolutely insufferable as a human being, but great as a singer. So she's totally in.
I didn't catch Maribel's last name because at first I thought she was going to be one of those loser auditions. The whole goofy "Rocky" theme, the "Idol boot camp" bit, the "I lost all this weight just to try out for 'American Idol'" -- she had all of the hallmarks of a delusional wannabe. But she's actually a foxy, vaguely raunchy tough chick and I am completely in love with her. Her voice is distinctive (although not a lot of range) and she's going to have a tough time with some of the softer stuff, but she's got a great style and vibe.
Christopher Richardson looks and sounds a bit like Justin Timberlake. He has no discernible personality whatsoever. Simon expects that he'll wow them in Hollywood week. I hope he's right, because...I could get behind that.

THE "GOOD":
Sarah Burgess is so pretty. And she is either a major drama queen or a total liar. She's 19 and spins this sad-sack tale about how she skipped school in Ohio (she's 19, which...shouldn't she be in college? You don't say "I skipped school" if you're in college) to come to these auditions even though her daddy told her not to because he's mean and doesn't believe her and please daddy won't you believe in me boo hoo hoo. It goes on like this. She gets in and starts crying for the judges again about how life is so hard when you have such a mean daddy. The judges are swayed by this. I am swayed by the overwhelming stench of bullshit. When she finally sings, it is very loud, very shouty, and very lacking in any kind of range. She is mediocre at best. But she "touches" the judges and gets through, and then --- and this is the clincher, folks --- Seacrest has her call her dad on speakerphone to tell him the news. She starts the conversation with "I've got something to tell you." Doesn't even ID herself. She calls him daddy multiple times, and this guy --- who has a very sweet, totally non-threatening voice --- asks "Who is this?" (Exhibit A: What controlling father would not recognize his own daughter's voice, or catch on to the words "Daddy"?) And when she starts crying about how she totally disobeyed his orders to come here but got through and please don't be mad, he's all "That's great!" (Exhibit B). She is so fake, and I hate her. If she makes it to Top 12 I'm going to make it my life's mission to destroy her.
Amanda and Antonella are best friends who think they're the Jersey incarnation of Paris and Nicole. Gag me. They talk about how they go to the beach and shop (their favorite thing! OMG!), and they are both singers, and should both win Idol together because "together we're sexy." And co-dependent. Amanda --- clearly the Queen Bee here --- is very confident in her vocal training. She shouldn't be. She's fine, but there's nothing current or interesting about her voice at all. Interestingly, Antonella, who Amanda clearly despises and keeps around to be her ego fluffer, actually is amazing. She's got a bit of a horse face, but a gorgeous, natural voice. They both get through, and my fondest wish is that Amanda is sent packing in Hollywood, and Antonella stays on, because I think this one can be salvaged, people. We just need to get her away from the Mean Girl.
Rachel Zevita is an obnoxious 16-year-old who has no idea who she is but of course wants to be "herself." Right now that means aping age-inappropriate role models like Jeff Buckley and acting like a hippy. I'm sure she thinks she's very original. She sings a couple different songs, each one sounding entirely different from the last, but does her best singing "Get Here" very sweetly. She's through, and I look forward to watching her dream get crushed on national TV.
Nicholas Pedro quit in the middle of Hollywood week last year when he couldn't remember the words to "Buttercup" (...dude, there are like 10 words in that whole song). And yet, he doesn't like being called a quitter because that's not who he is; he tried. Yes, but you also quit. And so...you are a quitter. He gets through again by singing in his falsetto-ish croon, and Paula just loves him. I don't see anything "star" about this guy at all.

THE GOOD FOR TELEVISION:
Isadora was supposed to be our big nutjob of the night, but to me she paled in comparison to some of the other characters. She's a palm-reader and street busker who wears a ratty pink cowgirl hat --- one of many tonight --- and she moans through "Lady Marmalade" as though she's speaking in tongues. It's pretty fascinating to watch. Less fascinating is her shifty-eyed exit interview, in which we learn she is disturbed indeed.
But that's nothing compared to Ashanti Johnson, a three-time Idol auditionee and two-time Hollywood week performer who gets shut out this time and launches into the most eloquent and yet absurd monologue ever delivered on this or any other TV program ever. She goes on for a solid three minutes or so about how she needs this and deserves this and if they give her the one thing they haven't given her --- the chance for America to vote for her --- they would see what they're missing. We see what we're missing, and that is a really great little actress. Screw "Idol," baby. Hit Broadway.
Nakia Claiborne needs to stop! She is a manic ball of energy before her audtion, a human Weeble Wobble swaying, laughing, singing, jumping all around. I'm exhausted watching her. Her up-tempo "Dancing in the Street" is almost passable, but when she shifts into a slow song, it's horrendous, and the judges very patiently explain to her that she has no sense of pitch. And then she just plummets into a terrifyingly profound depression. For Nakia, the highs are high, the lows are low.
The lowest, however, is Sarah f'ing Goldberg, who should be either hospitalized or medicated immediately. Sarah too sports a goofy pink cowgirl hat and, after butchering Selena's "Dreaming of You," has a full-on mental breakdown in which she explains that she's not a singer and has never sung (except...you just did), but that she is the next American Idol because she is unique. If they train her, she can do it. You don't have to sing to be an American Idol! Randy pretty awesomely explains to her how that is actually antithetical to the entire competition, and she is an argumentative, smug bitch in response. Best part: as she storms out, our old friend the locked door makes a comeback, and she pushes away to no avail for a few glorious seconds before someone clues her in. And then she goes into the holding pen and literally shrieks about  how awful they were to her, and how unprofessional it is that they went out drinking the last night. Yeah. I honestly hope her family watched that and immediately got her help.

I will not justify Ian Bernardo's shameless fame whoring by discussing it here, except to say that I hope he wasn't actually invited to audition by the producers after his "performance" on "So You Think You Can Dance" this summer. That is beyond gross. 

"Grey's": Intimate proposals

icon By Enisha Cray on Jan. 26th, 2007 at 8:58am       0 Comments

Last night's episode of "Grey's Anatomy" was filled with surprises. As I predicted last week, Christina lost the battle of silence with Burke. After the death of his father, George turned to sex with Callie as his form of denial, leaving the poor girl totally worn out. While Meredith and McDreamy attended a dinner party at Christina and Burke's place Christina accidentally let out that the chief had asked Burke to step in as chief, which in turn infuriated McDreamy. The chief got a bit of his own medicine when he discovered that his estranged wife had a new man in the house when he came to announce his retirement to her. I can understand --- she was tired of waiting and I would have been too after all of those years. Addison resorted to avoiding Alex, despite his alleged lack of interest in her. The final shockers of the night included two marriage proposals, one from George to Callie, the other from Burke to Christina. My guess is that Christina and Burke's wedding is a lot more likely to happen than George and Callie's. I think he poppped the question on impulse, and he couldn't possibly be serious at a time like this. Or could he?

"Surreal Life": Nielsen rating

icon By Eric Rezsnyak on Jan. 29th, 2007 at 7:50am       0 Comments

What started out as a fun, campy distraction has quickly deteriorated into a complete clusterf**k. "Surreal Life: Fame Games" gives "The Surreal Life" gang --- Hollywood has-beens desperate for a few last gasps of notoriety --- a "Real World/Road Rules Challenge" spin, as the C-listers compete in various fame-related games to win a $100,000 grand prize. The first few episodes separated the 10 players into two groups, the A-List (Rob "Vanilla Ice" Van Winkle; Sandy "Peppa" Dennis; CC DeVille from Poison; porn star Ron Jeremy; and Playboy TV personality Andrea Lowell) and the B-List (Verne "Mini-Me" Troyer; ex-wrestler Chyna Doll; Brigitte Nielsen; Traci Bingham; Emmanuel Lewis). This episode the two teams competed in a couple tasks, including a hotel-room destruction fest. The losing team had to put three of its members up for elimination, and that trio played in a mock game show; the person who lost got booted from the house.

So OK, no big deal. Easy to understand. The first half featured some manufactured drama with Vanilla Ice freaking out over skanky women sleeping on his bed (he's married and doesn't want to ruin his reputation). The second half things got crazy annoying, as it became clear why we'll never see a celebrity version of "Survivor" or "Big Brother" --- these people are simply not as willing to debase themselves as regular, non-famous people are. Case in point: Chyna Doll. She was the B-List's ringer in the hotel bust-up challenge, and she totally threw it because she's either crazy, bored, or deluded enough to think that just walking into the room, changing sunglasses, and taking off her gloves mattered. This of course led her team to lose, which pissed off everyone except for Brigitte Nielsen, who also clearly does not want to be there. Those two and Verne -- who was brought on last minute after New Kid on the Block Jordan Knight balked 10 minutes into the first episode with some made-up story about a dead gramma -- go on the block. And when it comes to the elimination game, Brigitte tries to throw the game but actually ends up winning (...god, woman) and Verne clearly tries to eliminate himself too, but denies doing so. Verne loses, but Brigitte throws another fit and demands to go home instead. The producers let her do so. Thank god. I wished they'd gotten rid of all three.

Here's the thing: these "celebs" (I use the term loosely) are here of their own volition. Nobody forced them into this. But if you look at Verne, Chyna, and Brigitte, they are bored, humiliated, and just awful losers. But that's part of playing a game. You signed on to this, you're reaping the potential rewards. (In addition to the money, most of the people on this show who have a good attitude get a little bump in the Q rating --- I actually want to see Traci Bingham in something now, and I never would have said that before.) So suck it up! Instead, you're ruining my entertainment value by acting like total prats. Brigitte was the worst of the bunch, but Chyna and Verne are up there in terms of obnoxiousness. I've been skipping "Housewives" to watch this the past couple weeks, but I'm going to have to start rethinking that.

"Heroes": Claire's hot momma

icon By Eric Rezsnyak on Jan. 30th, 2007 at 8:07am       0 Comments

By far my least favorite episode of the season. A lot of treading water, story-wise, and the focus was on most of the boring characters (Peter, Mohinder, Matt). But we did have some interesting moments:

-Claire's real mom is Crazy Gina from "Nip/Tuck"! That's pretty awesome. Even better, she's a fire-starter, which should be exciting to watch. It also brings up some questions: Presumably she didn't die in the fire in which she "lost" Claire because she's immune to her own power (you'd kind of have to be, I imagine, if fire shoots out of your fingertips). But then why/how did she leave her baby behind? Perhaps it wasn't an accident, and perhaps she was in on it. Interesting. Also, I'm curious to see who Claire's daddy is. From what I've read he's somebody we know. So...Linderman, maybe? Nikki's dad? However, I also hear that Claire will never get together with Peter despite their crackling chemistry, which makes me wonder if they aren't related. So perhaps it's Nathan --- which would frankly be hard to swallow --- or maybe Papa Petrelli isn't quite as dead as we think. After all, powers clearly run in families. Maybe he's got a special ability that lets him cheat death?

 -Mr. Sulu is Hiro's dad! That's great casting right there. George Takei didn't need to say anything; he just stood there and let the disapprobation just ooze off. Next episode should prove very interesting, but I have to wonder: Has Ando outlived his usefulness?

-Mohinder says that his father identified 32 unique gene sequences that would produce powers. Does that mean there are only 32 super-powered people, period? Because that I don't buy. We've already seen at least half of them, then, and almost all -- except Hiro and the Haitian -- come from the United States. That doesn't make sense mathematically. Maybe those 32 are the only ones Papa Mohinder found? I don't know, but that confused me.

-Random reactions: I hate Matt's wife with a seething passion, she says they need to "trust" one another when she's the one who's been jeepin'; we've got to move the Nikki-in-prison story arc along, as watching Ali Larter moan in a padded cell week after week does not make for good TV; not a fan of Inivisible Jackass at all, don't even find the actor compelling; Horn-Rimmed Glasses better not buy it next episode, he's too interesting a character to waste; Micah and DL are pretty awful actors --- the father/son scenes were wholly unbelievable. I think Micah's mostly to blame.

"Idol" 2007, Part 5: Birmingham sucks eggs

icon By Eric Rezsnyak on Jan. 31st, 2007 at 8:11am       0 Comments

Ryan tells us over and over how Alabama is "Idol country," as it spawned Ruben, Bo, and Taylor. Ugh, like that's something to brag about. Judging by the crop that showed up to these auditions, we will not have an Alabaman in the finals this year. This may be the worst audition episode of the series, ever. Certainly the most boring.

THE GOOD:

There were precious few to pick from, but I'm rather partial to Jack Osbourne look-alike Chris Sligh, 28, who has a little chunk, a lot of poodle hair, and even more charisma. He's charming in a self-deprecating kind of way, and sings Seal's "Kiss From a Rose" passably. His personality really carries the performance because, really, it's kind of high-school drama club. But I like him a lot and hope to see him post-Hollywood Week.

Tatiana McConnico, 17, reminds me of Lisa Tucker from last year, but with a dollop of dirty girl. That's a good thing. She's a very good singer, although there's nothing particularly singular about her voice. She's through, but we'll have to do something about that wardrobe --- are those skin-tight jean shorts with a huge pink belt over her shirt? She is 17, I guess...

Bernard Williams II is great singing "Rock With You," but I fear he has no soul. He...smiles too much, maybe. But there's just no personality whatsoever. It's like he's pretending to be a person, but not actually a person.

THE "GOOD":

Katie Bernard speaks in a baby doll voice, but it's a baby doll with a crayon stuck in her nose or something. It is deeply disturbing when you think about what would make a grown woman intentionally speak like a little girl. Her singing voice is completely different, but crazy gimmicky --- she's all extreme dynamics and overdone hand gestures and vocal tics. The affectations seriously grate. She gets through to Hollywood, barely, by pleading with Paula and for some reason dragging in her new husband, who looked mortified by the whole endeavor. Exactly, dude.

Continuing on our tour of emotionally damaged young women of the South we have Jamie Lynn Ward, 17, who looks like a trashier version of my beloved Hayden Panettiere (I'm sorry, but it's true). Jamie Lynn is introduced as having "a big heart." Here is her story: She lives with her grandma, and together they take care of her father, who is paralyzed from the neck down. Aww. That is sad, no doubt. One crucial bit of information: Dad is paralyzed because he shot himself after he shot his wife, Jamie Lynn's stepmom, after he found her cheating with another man. That is...somewhat less sympathetic, at least to me, and maybe the most screwed-up backstory on "Idol," ever. Not to the judges, though, who clearly put Jamie Lynn through on sad-sack points because her audition is straight-up rubbish. She's awful on the high notes, thin and weak toward the end, and flat, flat, flat. Easily the worst person to get to Hollywood that we've seen. I think maybe Simon sees a sexier version of Kellie Pickler, but Jamie Lynn lacks her talent, charm, and natural beauty. Seems to have the clueless thing down, though.

THE GOOD FOR TELEVISION:

Victoria Watson has never cut her hair --- seriously --- and her tresses now reach 6' long. She reminds me of Ann from "Arrested Development," and is clearly a very nice young woman. She sings like she's in church, and her mom loves her. I love her mom. Can I vote for her mom?

Margaret Fowler is dressed up like a chicken or whatever, and she claims to be 26, which is an obvious lie. After her awful audition she admits to being 50 years old. Simon openly asks about what's going on with this show, in which he is forced to watch a woman who is WAY over the 28-year-old audition limit prance around in a bird costume. EXACTLY. This is the second over-40 audition to get screen time this season (the Sinatra reject from New York), and I'm sure there are genuinely talented 29-year-olds who would love that option, but who are not total freaks or rejects.

We close out with Brandy Patterson, 28, who the show is trying to make into the new Rhonetta, but who sadly is not. I think Brandy actually thinks she's good. And obviously she isn't, first attempting "Like a Virgin," and then, after claiming that the acoustics of the wood floor screwed her up, moves to the carpet for "Proud Mary." While shooing her out the door Simon realizes that Brandy has no concept of sarcasm, and delights in teasing her by yelling "Call me!" Brandy doesn't get the joke, and dresses down Randy and Simon in a half-assed way, then promises to never speak to them again. No flashing of cooter, no screaming about drinking off other bitches...she is no Rhonetta.

"Idol" 2007, Part 6: I love Hell Ay

icon By Eric Rezsnyak on Jan. 31st, 2007 at 9:40pm       0 Comments

The best part of L.A.: Olivia! Newton! John! Yeah, she was kind of worthless as a guest judge --- she’s far too sweet to shatter the dreams of the delusional masses --- but oh, how I love her. The worst thing about L.A.: that it came on at 9 p.m. so that Fox could pull a bait-and-switch to pimp freaking “Bones” instead. I call bollocks!

THE GOOD:

You can tell that good things are coming for Alaina Alexander --- she had full-on Mannequin make-good music playing in the background as soon as she started talking about how she was thisclose to giving up on her musical dream. She is a stunning, gorgeous woman. She sings a Michael Buble song I don’t know, and she has a solid, workmanlike voice. It’s not very showy, but I like her. I will say that she’s too affected. She just needs to SING, and let go.

 Another background vocalist! I smell a trend. Brandon Rogers has done backups for Anastasia and Xtina. He’s very handsome, and a tiny little man. And he’s also very good. Paula Abdul looked ready to leap out of her chair and get her some sexual chocolate. Olivia Newton-John says she felt him in her heart! That’s blessed indeed. We like Brandon.

THE “GOOD”:

Nobody --- only three got three that we saw, and all of them are OK. But I’ve already forgotten about Brian Miller. Again.

 THE GOOD FOR TV:

Martik “Panther” Manoutin thinks of himself as “the most exciting entertainer on planet Earth.” He is awesome. He looks like a member of The Warriors, starts off by flinging off his vest, sunglasses, and shirt, and then breaks into this song called “Sweetest Princess” --- is that real? --- which he punctuates with panther growls and by whispering the word “eccentric.” See, this is a good bad audition --- a deluded nutter who’s still entertaining. More Martik!

Phuong Pham refers to herself as the female Taylor Hicks. When she finally sings, she is awful. Just like Taylor! She puts on this weird Doobie Brothers voice and dances around like an epileptic. Just like Taylor! She claims that she feels guilty, because she abandoned music a few years ago. Oh Phuong, you didn’t abandon music --- music abandoned you.

Marianna Riccio’s mom was one of Dean Martin’s “gold diggers” --- I hope that was a cutesy name for his back-up singer and not a comment on her character. She says Marianna was “wailing when she came out of the womb.” No kidding. She similarly wails through “Should I Stay or Should I Go.” What a terrible choice for an audition song. She’s freaking awful, and then gets on her knees, begging. It’s an atrocious display, and I hope she sees it and feels shame over her desperation.

Sherman Pore is 64, which makes him more than 30 years too old to try out for this competition. However, he has collected 300 signatures from people who support his “Idol” quest. See, Sherman’s “lady love” had cancer, and the idea of him trying out for the show apparently gave her something to live for. Sadly, she died right before the audition. He sings “You Belong to Me,” and it’s very sweet. Paula openly weeps. I know I’m a heartless bastard, but even I was moved by this. Obviously Sherman doesn’t go through, but he feels good about getting that far. The thing is, I really think he could win this thing if they let him on. I’m just afraid this is going to encourage other, less authentic folks to try and pull a Sherman.