Since "American Idol" is not television programming, but rather a lifestyle choice, we're going to try something a little different during the initial auditions: liveblogging. Basically I'm just going to write down whatever I'm thinking about the episode as it happens. I've never done this before, so be gentle, dear readers.

And onward into the abyss...

We open by flashing back to that dreaded day last May. The 2006 Idol finale. Taylor Douchebag Hicks is on the stage. Why must I endure this again? He wins. Vomit. "Do I Make You Proud?" No, you make me barf, you fake-ass piece of crap.

Montage about all the wonderful things "Idol" has done for the music industry and how powerful a star-making machine it is. Pretty much everybody big gets a mention. Note: that Ruben and Fantasia kind of get the shaft, as does Clay Aiken. Guess his reign of terror is finally over. Don't worry, Clay. You'll always have Broadway. Just come out already. Like, seriously. Seacrest refers to "our" Jennifer Hudson, which is hilarious given the amount of crap she was served during her tenure in Season 3. Remember that girlfriend didn't even make it into the Top 12 on viewer votes; Randy rescued her from the pit of obscurity with his wild card slot, even going so far as to say it was "against all odds." And then: gospel jaw (Simon), comments about her weight (Simon), general indifference (viewers), allegations of racism (Elton John). She went out in, what, sixth place? Freaking John Stevens lasted longer. But she's "our" Jennifer Hudson now that she's a star. Classic. There's Chris Daughtry and Kellie Pickler. Hi, Kellie! Will someone please put her in that remake of "Hee-Haw" I keep dreaming about? Her and that pocket cowboy from last season would rock that shit....

We’re in Seattle. More than 9,000 screaming idiots came out. Jesus. Lots of clips about how it’s raining. In Seattle! Whodathunkit?!

Our first audition of the night is another asshole dressed up like Uncle Sam. Did I miss a memo or something? Is there some weird trend or fetish I’m unaware of? How is it that two seemingly unconnected contestants try to pull the exact same gimmick two nights in a row? And one so random. Anyway, we actually know this chud. It’s the police officer who sang "I Shot the Sheriff" last year, notable for rigidly obeying the song’s pauses for loooong seconds of stone silence. He was awful then, and is now doubly awful because he's in some stupid outfit. His name is Brandon Groves, he is 26, and from Wheeling, WV. He’s singing “God Bless America.” Of course he is. Chud. It’s off-key, weak-ass singing. He also reeks of desperation. He got a taste of notoriety last year, and will do anything to be on TV again. Thanks for wasting my time. As he leaves after being summarily dismissed, Paula notes, "next year he'll be dressed as an Indian chief." Well, there’s something to look forward to.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, "The Hotness." Change one letter in that word, and you’ve pretty much got it: hot mess. OK, have you ever seen the John Waters classic “Crybaby”? The Hotness gives Hatchetface a run for her money. It is gruesome, indeed: fried hair, a distorted double chin, some kind of growths on her face, lips that look like over-cooked sausages, the most atrocious fake tan ever. Her given name is Jennifer Chapton, and she compares her vocal range to Mariah Carey’s. So lets add “delusional” to that list as well. She starts to sing with gum still in her mouth. Classy. Simon motions to the wall of past Idols behind her and instructs her to "stick it on Taylor's face or something." YES! PLEASE STICK IT ON TAYLOR’S FACE! After a million years of her bullshit intro, we finally get to the singing, and it is as foul as the singer. Her song is “Give Me Your Love.” Ew, no. She makes these weird orgasm noises during the song, and somehow manages to not actually sing different pitches even though she’s clearly trying to. It’s oddly fascinating. Simon gives her the obligatory dismissal, and she responds that his opinion “don't mean nuttin... Whatchyou know about music? I've never heard you do a demo." She tries to sing something else, closing her eyes to ignore the judges literally screaming at her to stop. This girl is straight up the most hideous thing I've ever seen. Finally she leaves. God.

Montage of Simon shitting on people. It leads us to Amy Salgado, she of the way over-tweezed eyebrows. Amy’s husband told her that she's wasting her time. Probably not a good sign. Her son, Armando, is 6 and tells her to go for it. Again, not a good sing. "Singing kept me going everyday." Yeah. This chick has massive self-esteem issues. I really kind of hope she sucks, and then sees this, so she can have a much-needed introduction to reality. She’s singing Christina Aguilera’s "Reflection," the song that made me love Ayla “Robbed” Brown last season. The voice is thin, and there’s no discernible melody. Clued into the fact that she sucks, she informs everyone that she has a cold. Excuses, excuses, excuses with the people. She needs a drink of water. Of course she does. Why do they let the people get drinks of water this season? Like they're going to suddenly not suck? What a waste of time. She tries again. I can't even recognize the song. Simon is being vicious, but so would I if I had to listen this stupid, delusional girl and hundreds exactly like her.

Another montage of The Bad: overly tanned blondes. Kind of cute guy screaming "Die Die Die" over and over. The most boring man in America sings "Over the Rainbow."

"My name is Darwin Reedy, but people call me Mischa."

And that’s pretty much all you need to know about Darwin. Or Mischa. Whatever. Allow me to paint a picture: Unkempt platinum blonde hair. Bright red, poorly applied lipstick. A wrinkled, gold satin top with no bra whatsoever. Black skirt, black leggings, white tennis shoes. She refers to her look as "sexy." She tells the judges that she’s written a novel about a televised singing competition. That’s maybe the saddest thing ever. Darwin/Mischa says she’s been watching the show since Season 1, and her mom encouraged her to audition. And hey, let’s bring mom in. She’s a dead ringer for her daughter in a dark wig, right down to the whore lipstick. Mom believes in her talent very much, but she’s a mom. That’s what they do. And, apparently, this one also helps her daughter write Idol fanfic. Sigh. Anyway, Darwin/Mischa will perform "Dontcha" by the Pussycat Dolls. In monotone, apparently, while swaying arhythmically. After getting some pretty softball dismissals, she sings "Sweet Home Alabama." It sounds exactly like "Dontcha." Funny, that. Simon tells her it was appalling. Mom says she's nervous. Darwin agrees, and says she should have warmed up first. Well, it’s not like it’s a singing competition or anything, lady.

MORE RAIN! In Seattle! This is very compelling television!

Finally, someone with promise. Tommy Daniels, 21, Portland. He is a very handsome young man, great smile, gorgeous afro, a little chunk that he wears very well. He says "American Idol is my elevator to the top," and admits that last night he slept behind trash cans to audition. He sings "Arms of a Woman" by Amos Lee. He has a pleasant, soulful voice. But I'm not sure he necessarily has star quality. Paula calls it soothing, and that’s exactly what it is. Soothing, but not terribly exciting. He gets through.

Melissa Stavros has the oddest body shape I’ve ever seen. Her body is like three ties larger than her head. Very odd weight distribution. She is bubbly and personal, and sings Xtina’s "I Turn to You." She's not terrible, but also not great, and totally blows with the upper register and melisma. She doesn’t make it through, but takes it well. Her very odd-looking friends are with her. She seems sweet.

Blake Lewis looks like Steven from Season 1 of Top Chef, except younger and cuter. His hair is frosted and shellacked to stand straight up. He’s got on a dandy little shirt and tie combo under a track jacket. He does some fantastic beatboxing, and then sings a bit of Seal's "Crazy." It's...OK. Not nearly as good as his beat-boxing. He's very gimmicky, but has a sweet voice. Needs to focus more on the vocals but in general he's pretty good. The first person thus far with a legitimate shot to make the Top 12. After getting his golden ticket he goes to see his dad, who is like the world’s sweetest dad. And his son loves him dearly. I kind of love Blake.

Ryan makes a reference to "the talent vacuum that is Seattle." And, seriously. A woman falls to the floor growling "Stand By Me" Two awful people butcher "The Way You Make Me Feel." Another just destroys "Stand By Me" To quote the great Rodney Dangerfield, the last time I saw a mouth like that it had a hook in it.

Now it’s time for this season’s sibling team, brother and sister Shyamali and Sanjaya Malakar. They’re the kids of a classically trained Indian musicians. Shyamali, 19, is first, and chooses "Summertime" from Porgy & Bess. The song is way too big for her voice, which is very light and sweet. But she sings well. No connection to the judges whatsoever. She's VERY nervous. But I like her. Brother Sanjaya, 17, has a HUGE smile on his face and a lot of swish. He is desperately in need of a haircut. He sings "Signed, Sealed, Delivered" by Stevie Wonder. Good tenor voice, but fairly slight too. These kids are shy. They need to let loose and they could do OK. That said, they’re the first two I’m actively rooting for to make the Top 12.

Back to the holding pens. A guy holds up a phone reading "Trapped in Hell. Please help me." You did it to yourself, jackass.

Meet Nick Zitzmann, the very best argument against home schooling. Nick is from Utah and refers to himself as a computer programmer and self-taught musician. His hair parted right down the middle. He’s got the Napoleon Dynamite mouth going --- perpetually open, lower lip just flopping about. Sharp, beady eyes. He was encouraged to come out by his coworkers, who heard his instrumental work. His coworkers hate his guts and want to see him humiliated on national TV. Trust me, I went to high school with multiple Nick Zitzmanns. Nick identifies himself as a leader who can “project himself real well and keep on key.” "I'm a lot different from a lot of other people." Well, that's true. He starts in on "Unchained Melody." He sways psychotically through the first verse, which is dull and unremarkable. Once he hits the high notes The Bad starts to happen. He is shouting! Screeching! Please stop this! Paula is plugging her ears. She looks like she's been assaulted. I have been assaulted. It's very confronting. "What the bloody hell was that?" Simon asks. "It was me. Was that not good enough?" Nick answers. After getting the boot, Nick hovers in the waiting area, eyes darting all over the place. He is a deeply disturbed young man. I fear for the people of Utah.

Now, Rudy Cardenas. He is very charismatic, but unfortunately not very cute. He's singing “Open Arms” by Journey and thus immediately gains my undying love. He is good. He over-exaggerates everything, but this is Idol, so that’s kind of the deal. Simon says no. Paula says yes. Randy says yes. He gets through.

Seven got through day one. Ouch.

And here comes the portion of the program where we make fun of the mentally ill. These people are aren’t very smart! Or socially adjusted! And if we mock them, they won’t even get it! Isn’t that awesome? Meet Kenneth and Jonathan. The two of them were strangers who met in line and became friends. By “accident,” I'm sure. No producers at work here! It’s the same shtick as those kids who loved Hasselhoff or whatever last year. Kenneth is first. He is a tiny man with scraggly facial hair and very large, very pronounced eyes. He keeps calling Randy “dawg.” Stop that, Kenneth. Do not encourage him. Kenneth says that he’s been compared to Justin Timberlake and all the boy bands. Along those lines, he performs "Tearing Up My Heart," even busting out the same lameass moves from the video. I'm not sure he's actually singing, so much as speaking in rhythm. Kenneth says that he knows he's the next American Idol. Simon begs to differ, and says that he looks like “a creature that lives in the jungle, a bushbaby.” Paula says Simon's sick, and then says that she loves the kid and encourages him to keep trying. That’s ultimately 10 times meaner than anything Simon could have said. And then it’s Jonathan’s turn. Jonathan is a large man and has no neck. He’s kind of the human equivalent of Christ from “Family Guy.” He says he can win because he’s "different…and I have an amazing personality." He sings "God Bless America" (again, did I miss a memo?) and he shouts and is all crazy vibrato. He's actually better than I thought he'd be. He’s cut without any reason and is given absolutely no constructive criticism. I hope the judges took a shower after that, because they just used that kid worse than a $3 hooker.

Another montage of badness leads us to Eric Chapman (“age 28???”), a silver-tressed hairdresser who claims he’s Taylor Hicks’ long-lost twin. If there's anything more nauseating than the real Taylor Hicks it's a fake Taylor Hicks. I’m not unconvinced that he didn’t die his own hair silver. He says that he’s not trying to emulate Taylor. “If I portray him, I’m just me.” Except by definition it’s not. He walks in screaming "Soul Patrol," and then, quizzically, "Twist Train." No idea. He sings "Drift Away," the song of choice for pompous karaoke practitioners everywhere. He is shouty, and looks very angry when singing. He is just yelling. He is making Erics everywhere look bad, and I resent that. Simon asks if he's drunk. After being dismissed, he tries to fix Simon's hair, and the bodyguards run in FAST. Paula: "There are troubled people here." Straight up, lady. Straight up.

Anna Kearns is a giantess. She keeps saying she’s 6’7”, although she admits that that’s only in heels (she’s regularly 6’4” --- isn’t that enough for you, woman?). Anna also needs to hose, as her legs are badly scarred.

She's trying out to prove that "tall people can be singers too." I…was unaware that was ever in dispute. She sings Aretha Franklin’s "Respect." It's serviceable, but that's it. Decent bar karaoke. Really shouty in the chorus. No chance of getting past Hollywood. Simon calls her very cabaret, and he’s right (as usual). Paula and Randy "love" her. That's a very strong reaction. She gets through.

Jordin Sparks, 16, looks at least 23. She also looks identical to Season 2’s Kimberly Locke. She’s singing "Because You Love Me" by Celine Dion. She’s got a decent shot at the Top 12: Really strong voice, maybe the best we've seen so far. There is a nasal quality, but I don’t care. She's a gorgeous young woman, very fresh looking, great personality. Star quality.

Seven more get through on day two. That’s 14 out of 9,000. That’s pretty sad.

And again we end with the crazy: Big Red. He looks like a mountain man, frizzy red hair pulled back into a ponytail and a mouth full of jagged teeth. He says nobody from this show has inspired him, as he’s only seen one or two eps. He rolls his eyes. He is insane. He’s trying out because “Not that many redheads you see on TV this day in age. I look like Carrot Top but I'm way cooler than him." Sadly for Carrot Top, Big Red is probably right on that last one. He says he's as good as Freddie Mercury, and to prove it he sings "Bohemian Rhapsody." Well, squeaks. The guy can't even get half the notes out, it sounds like he’s being strangled. He just keeps going even though they're blatantly laughing at him. He says he's out of practice, and honestly seems convinced that he could win the competition with some practice. He asks Simon to train him. Simon declines the offer. Big Red starts to just ramble. Simon calls him ridiculous. Not as ridiculous as the fact that you made me watch him.

And then, THE DOOR RETURNS! As the final auditioner leaves the judging room they run right into the locked door. That's the best part of these auditions. Can I vote for the door? Go door!

Seacrest: "Seattle. Done." Thank god. Next we go to Memphis, where actual talented people live.

As the season rolls on, emotions run high on "Grey's Anatomy." Last night George discovered the truth about his father's surgery --- that the doctors performed it, at his dad's request, knowing that there was almost no chance he would survive it --- and flew off the handle, as expected. It was a dramatic scene as he yelled at both Dr. Bailey and the chief in regards to their lack of frankness with him. McSteamy wasn't quite so...steamy, as he showed a softer side of himself while expressing sadness, uncertainty and regret over Addison aborting his baby a year ago. But I've got to say, it was a little hard to believe that an ass like him would keep those feelings masked for so long.

It seems Dr.Burke's tremors are a thing of the past, and he and Christina's childish but cute game of silence appears to be nearing its end as well. My prediction is that Christina will loose this one --- the stubborn always do. Meredith and Izzy actually worked up the guts to conquer their uncertainties. Meredith finally took the first step toward getting to know her father, after Christina and Izzy pointed out their many similarities.  Izzy finally stood up to Dr. Bailey and has begun accepting the fact that she is an emotionally attached surgeon without apology. This was a major relief, since she was beginning to get a bit pathetic and her behavior lasted far longer than anyone could take it.

Although the episode was filled with lows --- in particular the death of Mr. O'Malley and George's joining of the "dead dads club" along with Christina --- there was one major high point: the ignition of the fire that is Addison and Alex. It's on and no one can put it out!

I always get nervous when I hear that one of my favorite television shows is doing a musical episode. Don't get me wrong --- I love musicals. It's just that sometimes the musical episode is a signifier that the writers have run out of material and it often goes horribly wrong. But, on rare occasion the stars align and the show can be absolutely hilarious, as in the case of the "Scrubs: My Musical" episode last night. Not since the musical episode of "Buffy" (pure genius) has a show so cleverly pulled it off.

The producers made the right choice by hiring Robert Lopez and Jeff Marx to write the music and lyrics. These are the guys behind the Tony Award-winning musical "Avenue Q" (the one where the puppets sing dirty songs). Their contribution became glaringly obvious as the song "Everything Comes Down to Poo" started to play, sung by JD (Zach Braff) and Turk (Donald Faison), a song about stool samples (yes, you read that right). In most cases, a song about poo could only be bad --- really bad --- but somehow they pulled it off and I was laughing hysterically as they recited every poo cliché in the book.

Sure, some of the actors can't sing; Elliot (Sarah Chalke) was particularly bad. But somehow it just didn't ruin the moment. On the other hand, Faison is quite good and Braff holds his own, so their number "Guy Love" is that much better. With the way Broadway seems to be popping out musicals of everything under the sun (including "Legally Blonde: The musical" --- seriously, it's coming), I wouldn't be surprised if "Scrubs: The Musical" pops up on a marquee someday.

After the atrocious second season of Desperate Housewives wrapped up, I vowed never to turn the show on again. But then I started reading all these articles about how the show had brought in new writers, that they recognized what a joke Season 2 had become and that Season 3 would be different. And quite frankly, I got suckered into watching again. The first half of Season 3 ended and I once again vowed that I was done with the show. And yet here I am still watching. It's like the old cliché of the train wreck that you just can't look away from.

What I loved about the first season of Desperate Housewives was the witty banter, the slightly exaggerated (yet somehow reality-based) characters, and that it was a parody of  --- and homage to --- soap operas. Unfortunately, tonight's episode has proven that there is sparse humor left and that the show has become the thing it set out to make light of : a soap opera. The rape of Orson by Alma tonight really cemented it. And Gaby and Zach as a probable couple? C'mon! The show has completely left the realm of black comedy and moved into the twisted fantasy-land of Susan Lucci and her gang.

Not to mention, where's the mystery this season? And don't tell me it's the whole Orson, Alma and his mother deal --- BORING! Season 1 had a great ongoing mystery, and even Season 2, as awful as it was, tried to uphold that premise.  With no mystery and no comedy I'm sorry to say it, but Desperate Housewives has become just a superficial shell of its former self.

With that being said, check back next week for my thoughts on the show, because you know (and I hate to admit this) that no matter how absurd it gets, I just can't look away.

And here they are:

Best Picture: "Babel," "The Departed," "Letters From Iwo Jima," "Little Miss Sunshine," "The Queen."

Eric's pick: No idea; I'm just glad that "Dreamgirls" wasn't nominated. It speaks highly of the Academy that it ignored the hype and saw the movie for what it is: a plooding, dull, cliché fest. And the music isn't very good, either.

Best Actor: Leonardo DiCaprio, "Blood Diamond"; Ryan Gosling, "Half Nelson"; Peter O'Toole, "Venus"; Will Smith, "The Pursuit of Happyness"; Forest Whitaker, "The Last King of Scotland."

Eric's pick: Whitaker is pretty much a sure thing for his turn as Idi Amin, but it's nice to see Gosling recognized for the under-appreciated "Half Nelson."

Best Actress: Penelope Cruz, "Volver"; Judi Dench, "Notes on a Scandal"; Helen Mirren, "The Queen"; Meryl Streep, "The Devil Wears Prada"; Kate Winslet, "Little Children."

Eric's pick: Little-known fact: "Mirren" means "Oscar winner" in Swahili. In any event, I'm glad Streep wasn't overlooked for "Prada." She was killer in a really fun, satisfying flick.

Best Supporting Actor: Alan Arkin, "Little Miss Sunshine"; Jackie Earle Haley, "Little Children"; Djimon Hounsou, "Blood Diamond"; Eddie Murphy, "Dreamgirls"; Mark Wahlberg, "The Departed."

Eric's pick: Tough crowd to pick from. It'll probably go to Murphy, but I'd rather see Hounsou or Wahlberg, who constantly surprise me with how good they are.

Best Supporting Actress: Adriana Barraza, "Babel"; Cate Blanchett, "Notes on a Scandal"; Abigail Breslin, "Little Miss Sunshine"; Jennifer Hudson, "Dreamgirls"; Rinko Kikuchi, "Babel."

Eric's pick: I'm a Hudson fan from her "Idol" days, so that would be sweet (and is a pretty good bet). Besides, she was the real lead actress in that movie. I don't care what Beyonce's manager says.

Best Director: Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu, "Babel"; Martin Scorsese, "The Departed"; Clint Eastwood, "Letters From Iwo Jima"; Stephen Frears, "The Queen"; Paul Greengrass, "United 93."

Eric's pick: Just give it to Scorsese, if only to end his decades-long pity party.

What do you think? You can vote for your favorites as part of City's Oscar contest, in conjunction with the George Eastman House's Academy Awards party. Head to one of our pub nights at Woody's on Thursday nights (starting January 25) to pick up a ballot.

Last night's episode of "Grey's Anatomy" was filled with surprises. As I predicted last week, Christina lost the battle of silence with Burke. After the death of his father, George turned to sex with Callie as his form of denial, leaving the poor girl totally worn out. While Meredith and McDreamy attended a dinner party at Christina and Burke's place Christina accidentally let out that the chief had asked Burke to step in as chief, which in turn infuriated McDreamy. The chief got a bit of his own medicine when he discovered that his estranged wife had a new man in the house when he came to announce his retirement to her. I can understand --- she was tired of waiting and I would have been too after all of those years. Addison resorted to avoiding Alex, despite his alleged lack of interest in her. The final shockers of the night included two marriage proposals, one from George to Callie, the other from Burke to Christina. My guess is that Christina and Burke's wedding is a lot more likely to happen than George and Callie's. I think he poppped the question on impulse, and he couldn't possibly be serious at a time like this. Or could he?

What started out as a fun, campy distraction has quickly deteriorated into a complete clusterf**k. "Surreal Life: Fame Games" gives "The Surreal Life" gang --- Hollywood has-beens desperate for a few last gasps of notoriety --- a "Real World/Road Rules Challenge" spin, as the C-listers compete in various fame-related games to win a $100,000 grand prize. The first few episodes separated the 10 players into two groups, the A-List (Rob "Vanilla Ice" Van Winkle; Sandy "Peppa" Dennis; CC DeVille from Poison; porn star Ron Jeremy; and Playboy TV personality Andrea Lowell) and the B-List (Verne "Mini-Me" Troyer; ex-wrestler Chyna Doll; Brigitte Nielsen; Traci Bingham; Emmanuel Lewis). This episode the two teams competed in a couple tasks, including a hotel-room destruction fest. The losing team had to put three of its members up for elimination, and that trio played in a mock game show; the person who lost got booted from the house.

So OK, no big deal. Easy to understand. The first half featured some manufactured drama with Vanilla Ice freaking out over skanky women sleeping on his bed (he's married and doesn't want to ruin his reputation). The second half things got crazy annoying, as it became clear why we'll never see a celebrity version of "Survivor" or "Big Brother" --- these people are simply not as willing to debase themselves as regular, non-famous people are. Case in point: Chyna Doll. She was the B-List's ringer in the hotel bust-up challenge, and she totally threw it because she's either crazy, bored, or deluded enough to think that just walking into the room, changing sunglasses, and taking off her gloves mattered. This of course led her team to lose, which pissed off everyone except for Brigitte Nielsen, who also clearly does not want to be there. Those two and Verne -- who was brought on last minute after New Kid on the Block Jordan Knight balked 10 minutes into the first episode with some made-up story about a dead gramma -- go on the block. And when it comes to the elimination game, Brigitte tries to throw the game but actually ends up winning (...god, woman) and Verne clearly tries to eliminate himself too, but denies doing so. Verne loses, but Brigitte throws another fit and demands to go home instead. The producers let her do so. Thank god. I wished they'd gotten rid of all three.

Here's the thing: these "celebs" (I use the term loosely) are here of their own volition. Nobody forced them into this. But if you look at Verne, Chyna, and Brigitte, they are bored, humiliated, and just awful losers. But that's part of playing a game. You signed on to this, you're reaping the potential rewards. (In addition to the money, most of the people on this show who have a good attitude get a little bump in the Q rating --- I actually want to see Traci Bingham in something now, and I never would have said that before.) So suck it up! Instead, you're ruining my entertainment value by acting like total prats. Brigitte was the worst of the bunch, but Chyna and Verne are up there in terms of obnoxiousness. I've been skipping "Housewives" to watch this the past couple weeks, but I'm going to have to start rethinking that.

By far my least favorite episode of the season. A lot of treading water, story-wise, and the focus was on most of the boring characters (Peter, Mohinder, Matt). But we did have some interesting moments:

-Claire's real mom is Crazy Gina from "Nip/Tuck"! That's pretty awesome. Even better, she's a fire-starter, which should be exciting to watch. It also brings up some questions: Presumably she didn't die in the fire in which she "lost" Claire because she's immune to her own power (you'd kind of have to be, I imagine, if fire shoots out of your fingertips). But then why/how did she leave her baby behind? Perhaps it wasn't an accident, and perhaps she was in on it. Interesting. Also, I'm curious to see who Claire's daddy is. From what I've read he's somebody we know. So...Linderman, maybe? Nikki's dad? However, I also hear that Claire will never get together with Peter despite their crackling chemistry, which makes me wonder if they aren't related. So perhaps it's Nathan --- which would frankly be hard to swallow --- or maybe Papa Petrelli isn't quite as dead as we think. After all, powers clearly run in families. Maybe he's got a special ability that lets him cheat death?

 -Mr. Sulu is Hiro's dad! That's great casting right there. George Takei didn't need to say anything; he just stood there and let the disapprobation just ooze off. Next episode should prove very interesting, but I have to wonder: Has Ando outlived his usefulness?

-Mohinder says that his father identified 32 unique gene sequences that would produce powers. Does that mean there are only 32 super-powered people, period? Because that I don't buy. We've already seen at least half of them, then, and almost all -- except Hiro and the Haitian -- come from the United States. That doesn't make sense mathematically. Maybe those 32 are the only ones Papa Mohinder found? I don't know, but that confused me.

-Random reactions: I hate Matt's wife with a seething passion, she says they need to "trust" one another when she's the one who's been jeepin'; we've got to move the Nikki-in-prison story arc along, as watching Ali Larter moan in a padded cell week after week does not make for good TV; not a fan of Inivisible Jackass at all, don't even find the actor compelling; Horn-Rimmed Glasses better not buy it next episode, he's too interesting a character to waste; Micah and DL are pretty awful actors --- the father/son scenes were wholly unbelievable. I think Micah's mostly to blame.

THE GOOD:

There were precious few to pick from, but I'm rather partial to Jack Osbourne look-alike Chris Sligh, 28, who has a little chunk, a lot of poodle hair, and even more charisma. He's charming in a self-deprecating kind of way, and sings Seal's "Kiss From a Rose" passably. His personality really carries the performance because, really, it's kind of high-school drama club. But I like him a lot and hope to see him post-Hollywood Week.

Tatiana McConnico, 17, reminds me of Lisa Tucker from last year, but with a dollop of dirty girl. That's a good thing. She's a very good singer, although there's nothing particularly singular about her voice. She's through, but we'll have to do something about that wardrobe --- are those skin-tight jean shorts with a huge pink belt over her shirt? She is 17, I guess...

Bernard Williams II is great singing "Rock With You," but I fear he has no soul. He...smiles too much, maybe. But there's just no personality whatsoever. It's like he's pretending to be a person, but not actually a person.

THE "GOOD":

Katie Bernard speaks in a baby doll voice, but it's a baby doll with a crayon stuck in her nose or something. It is deeply disturbing when you think about what would make a grown woman intentionally speak like a little girl. Her singing voice is completely different, but crazy gimmicky --- she's all extreme dynamics and overdone hand gestures and vocal tics. The affectations seriously grate. She gets through to Hollywood, barely, by pleading with Paula and for some reason dragging in her new husband, who looked mortified by the whole endeavor. Exactly, dude.

Continuing on our tour of emotionally damaged young women of the South we have Jamie Lynn Ward, 17, who looks like a trashier version of my beloved Hayden Panettiere (I'm sorry, but it's true). Jamie Lynn is introduced as having "a big heart." Here is her story: She lives with her grandma, and together they take care of her father, who is paralyzed from the neck down. Aww. That is sad, no doubt. One crucial bit of information: Dad is paralyzed because he shot himself after he shot his wife, Jamie Lynn's stepmom, after he found her cheating with another man. That is...somewhat less sympathetic, at least to me, and maybe the most screwed-up backstory on "Idol," ever. Not to the judges, though, who clearly put Jamie Lynn through on sad-sack points because her audition is straight-up rubbish. She's awful on the high notes, thin and weak toward the end, and flat, flat, flat. Easily the worst person to get to Hollywood that we've seen. I think maybe Simon sees a sexier version of Kellie Pickler, but Jamie Lynn lacks her talent, charm, and natural beauty. Seems to have the clueless thing down, though.

THE GOOD FOR TELEVISION:

Victoria Watson has never cut her hair --- seriously --- and her tresses now reach 6' long. She reminds me of Ann from "Arrested Development," and is clearly a very nice young woman. She sings like she's in church, and her mom loves her. I love her mom. Can I vote for her mom?

Margaret Fowler is dressed up like a chicken or whatever, and she claims to be 26, which is an obvious lie. After her awful audition she admits to being 50 years old. Simon openly asks about what's going on with this show, in which he is forced to watch a woman who is WAY over the 28-year-old audition limit prance around in a bird costume. EXACTLY. This is the second over-40 audition to get screen time this season (the Sinatra reject from New York), and I'm sure there are genuinely talented 29-year-olds who would love that option, but who are not total freaks or rejects.

We close out with Brandy Patterson, 28, who the show is trying to make into the new Rhonetta, but who sadly is not. I think Brandy actually thinks she's good. And obviously she isn't, first attempting "Like a Virgin," and then, after claiming that the acoustics of the wood floor screwed her up, moves to the carpet for "Proud Mary." While shooing her out the door Simon realizes that Brandy has no concept of sarcasm, and delights in teasing her by yelling "Call me!" Brandy doesn't get the joke, and dresses down Randy and Simon in a half-assed way, then promises to never speak to them again. No flashing of cooter, no screaming about drinking off other bitches...she is no Rhonetta.

The best part of L.A.: Olivia! Newton! John! Yeah, she was kind of worthless as a guest judge --- she’s far too sweet to shatter the dreams of the delusional masses --- but oh, how I love her. The worst thing about L.A.: that it came on at 9 p.m. so that Fox could pull a bait-and-switch to pimp freaking “Bones” instead. I call bollocks!

THE GOOD:

You can tell that good things are coming for Alaina Alexander --- she had full-on Mannequin make-good music playing in the background as soon as she started talking about how she was thisclose to giving up on her musical dream. She is a stunning, gorgeous woman. She sings a Michael Buble song I don’t know, and she has a solid, workmanlike voice. It’s not very showy, but I like her. I will say that she’s too affected. She just needs to SING, and let go.

 Another background vocalist! I smell a trend. Brandon Rogers has done backups for Anastasia and Xtina. He’s very handsome, and a tiny little man. And he’s also very good. Paula Abdul looked ready to leap out of her chair and get her some sexual chocolate. Olivia Newton-John says she felt him in her heart! That’s blessed indeed. We like Brandon.

THE “GOOD”:

Nobody --- only three got three that we saw, and all of them are OK. But I’ve already forgotten about Brian Miller. Again.

 THE GOOD FOR TV:

Martik “Panther” Manoutin thinks of himself as “the most exciting entertainer on planet Earth.” He is awesome. He looks like a member of The Warriors, starts off by flinging off his vest, sunglasses, and shirt, and then breaks into this song called “Sweetest Princess” --- is that real? --- which he punctuates with panther growls and by whispering the word “eccentric.” See, this is a good bad audition --- a deluded nutter who’s still entertaining. More Martik!

Phuong Pham refers to herself as the female Taylor Hicks. When she finally sings, she is awful. Just like Taylor! She puts on this weird Doobie Brothers voice and dances around like an epileptic. Just like Taylor! She claims that she feels guilty, because she abandoned music a few years ago. Oh Phuong, you didn’t abandon music --- music abandoned you.

Marianna Riccio’s mom was one of Dean Martin’s “gold diggers” --- I hope that was a cutesy name for his back-up singer and not a comment on her character. She says Marianna was “wailing when she came out of the womb.” No kidding. She similarly wails through “Should I Stay or Should I Go.” What a terrible choice for an audition song. She’s freaking awful, and then gets on her knees, begging. It’s an atrocious display, and I hope she sees it and feels shame over her desperation.

Sherman Pore is 64, which makes him more than 30 years too old to try out for this competition. However, he has collected 300 signatures from people who support his “Idol” quest. See, Sherman’s “lady love” had cancer, and the idea of him trying out for the show apparently gave her something to live for. Sadly, she died right before the audition. He sings “You Belong to Me,” and it’s very sweet. Paula openly weeps. I know I’m a heartless bastard, but even I was moved by this. Obviously Sherman doesn’t go through, but he feels good about getting that far. The thing is, I really think he could win this thing if they let him on. I’m just afraid this is going to encourage other, less authentic folks to try and pull a Sherman.